Get in on the Ground Floor

The third time's the charm.  You missed your opportunity to buy prime real estate on the moon.  LunarLand.com has already sold 300 million acres.  If you haven't acted by now, you also missed out having one of the better stars named after you or a loved one from Nameastarlive.com.  Today, you would probably have to go outside the Milky Way galaxy to find an unnamed super nova, but you can still name a red dwarf in our galaxy.  A red dwarf would make a perfect Christmas gift for Bob Beckel or Ed Shultz.  You see that puny, insignificant "red" speck on the highest magnification?  That's Bob Beckel!  I'm tempted to buy and name the black hole at the center of our galaxy after Barack Obama.  He certainly believes he's the center of the galaxy.

Here is your third celestial opportunity, and I want you to give a lot of thought to investing in my out-of-this-world idea.  Make a New Year's resolution to become rich.

Do you know just 40 million miles from your recliner and ottoman are trillions upon trillions of pet rocks without a home?  That's right in your back yard compared to a star.  That's right!  Trillions of poor little rocks without a home or name.  And do you remember all those idiots - I mean consumers - that purchased pet rocks that took up space on someone's office desk?  What would you say if I told you that I had a gift idea that didn't take up any desk space and could be mailed with a birthday card or Christmas card?

I'll stop asking you questions because I know you're chomping at the bit to find out where all these homeless rocks are.  Well, they're on that ruddy red planet we call Mars.  Tons, and tons, and tons of rocks just sitting there waiting to be adopted.  Now, I know you want to ask me how there's money to be made in MarzPetz.com.

First thing I would say to you is that NASA is doing all the work and is financing our venture for us.  Being a predictably wasteful government agency, NASA has been sending probes to Mars for years now, with wheels and calling them rovers.  They roam from hither to way out yonder and the only way you know they've moved is to look at their tracks. These rovers have proven, with absolutely no doubt, that Mars has to be the most boring celestial body in the universe - outside of Michelle Obama.  Just mile, after mile, after mile of our soon-to-be pet rocks.  I know you've asked yourself a million times why God put such a butt-ugly planet next to us.  I sometimes wonder if God ran out of ideas after creating Earth, or maybe He thought there was nowhere to go but down after creating Woman and decided to coast the rest of the way.  Any who, NASA probably has millions of pictures of our pet rocks ready for us to catalog and sell.  While NASA is wasting its time and budget looking for past and present life on Mars, we'll be having the time of our lives selling Martian pet rocks for $9.99, which by the way are as alive as anything on this humdrum planet.  Mars is so boring that we have to make up things we see there:  A "human shape" in the distance or Barack Obama's head (I'm glad it's somewhere).  

BE THE FIRST TO ADOPT A MARTIAN PET "LIZARD"!

OR BUY OBAMA'S HEAD.  HE'S NOT USING IT.

 

 

 

What is Really Torture?

1.  Being a woman and accepting a cappuccino from Bill Cosby.  It's the exact opposite of sleep deprivation and a grotesque form of rectal rehydration.

2.  Having to stay married to Hillary Clinton in order to have another shot at the White House.  They say once you've done it on the Resolute desk it's not the same anywhere else.

3.  Being a woman and having a blind date with someone having the initials B.C.

4.  Seeing what you have after politicians blow $18 trillion.

5.  Having to choose between Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton.

6.  If 5 doesn't break you, then 6 is having to see 3 female Democrats run for president:  Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, and Bill de Blasio.  de Blasio has a sex change operation and changes his name, for the third time, to Sandy Nista.

7.  Being on a Target store aisle and trying to get around Michelle Obama.  To get around her big ass, you ask her politely to grab something off the shelf for you.  You later find out she tells People magazine that is her worst experience with racism in her life.

8.  If 7 doesn't break you for being called a racist, then 8 is finding a set of car keys and handing them to a black man who comes out of a restaurant looking completely lost.  You later find out that black man was Barack Obama - who is always completely lost - and he has told People magazine that his worst experience with racism is coming out of a restaurant that has valet parking and being handed a set of keys.

9.  The worst torture is living in a world where the pettiest, most disingenuous, most self-absorbed couple in the world are living in the lap of luxury and coddled 24/7 on your dime.

Four Dead in Ohio

I hadn't seen a mugging this brutal since a poor, over-weight man was swarmed by cops in New York City for just selling loosies.  Being a black man, he should have never seen this coming.  Barack Obama and Al Sharpton want cops to treat all people of color with kid gloves, even when they're using fake identities and killing pedestrians.  On the other hand, TCU should have seen this coming - in this world.  After all, their middle name is Christian.

 

TCU, Texas Christian University, dropped from the number 3 ranking to the number 6 ranking in the final college football playoff standings.  This drop in the rankings occurred the day after TCU had gashed Iowa State 55 to 3.  What was TCU supposed to do to retain its ranking and a spot in the four-team playoff?  Send the Iowa State players to the morgue?

The playoff selection committee, on Sunday, proved that their process for choosing the best college football teams is both arbitrary and without merit.  TCU should have never been ranked higher than Florida State.  Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing is pretty much true as long as you're not trying to send your competitors to the hospital, and no one has done winning better than Florida State this season.  But the committee did put TCU above Florida State, and then put Florida State above TCU!

This new 4 team playoff system is worse than what college football had.  It's much harder for a team to claim to be one of the two best teams in the nation than to claim to be one of the four best.  Outside of Alabama, Oregon, and Florida State, I don't believe there's much merit for any team to claim to be one of the best two.

Why did the selection committee elevate Ohio State into the playoffs?  Ohio State's 59 to zip trouncing of Wisconsin wasn't so much a sign of Ohio State's strength as it is a sign of the Big 10's weakness.  For a Big 10 division champion to have its ass handed to it in such a lopsided fashion in the Big 10 championship game doesn't say as much about Ohio State as it says about Wisconsin.  The hype associated with Ohio State football is as much deserved as the hype about Urban Meyer being sick.  Both were and are myths.  Meyer was only sick of being in Florida.

Hopefully, the hype about the greatness of Ohio State football will once again be bludgeoned by reality when OU faces another SEC team.  So far, TCU and Baylor's football dreams died in Ohio.  Here's hoping that Ohio State's and Urban Meyer's do as well.