Get in on the Ground Floor

The third time's the charm.  You missed your opportunity to buy prime real estate on the moon.  LunarLand.com has already sold 300 million acres.  If you haven't acted by now, you also missed out having one of the better stars named after you or a loved one from Nameastarlive.com.  Today, you would probably have to go outside the Milky Way galaxy to find an unnamed super nova, but you can still name a red dwarf in our galaxy.  A red dwarf would make a perfect Christmas gift for Bob Beckel or Ed Shultz.  You see that puny, insignificant "red" speck on the highest magnification?  That's Bob Beckel!  I'm tempted to buy and name the black hole at the center of our galaxy after Barack Obama.  He certainly believes he's the center of the galaxy.

Here is your third celestial opportunity, and I want you to give a lot of thought to investing in my out-of-this-world idea.  Make a New Year's resolution to become rich.

Do you know just 40 million miles from your recliner and ottoman are trillions upon trillions of pet rocks without a home?  That's right in your back yard compared to a star.  That's right!  Trillions of poor little rocks without a home or name.  And do you remember all those idiots - I mean consumers - that purchased pet rocks that took up space on someone's office desk?  What would you say if I told you that I had a gift idea that didn't take up any desk space and could be mailed with a birthday card or Christmas card?

I'll stop asking you questions because I know you're chomping at the bit to find out where all these homeless rocks are.  Well, they're on that ruddy red planet we call Mars.  Tons, and tons, and tons of rocks just sitting there waiting to be adopted.  Now, I know you want to ask me how there's money to be made in MarzPetz.com.

First thing I would say to you is that NASA is doing all the work and is financing our venture for us.  Being a predictably wasteful government agency, NASA has been sending probes to Mars for years now, with wheels and calling them rovers.  They roam from hither to way out yonder and the only way you know they've moved is to look at their tracks. These rovers have proven, with absolutely no doubt, that Mars has to be the most boring celestial body in the universe - outside of Michelle Obama.  Just mile, after mile, after mile of our soon-to-be pet rocks.  I know you've asked yourself a million times why God put such a butt-ugly planet next to us.  I sometimes wonder if God ran out of ideas after creating Earth, or maybe He thought there was nowhere to go but down after creating Woman and decided to coast the rest of the way.  Any who, NASA probably has millions of pictures of our pet rocks ready for us to catalog and sell.  While NASA is wasting its time and budget looking for past and present life on Mars, we'll be having the time of our lives selling Martian pet rocks for $9.99, which by the way are as alive as anything on this humdrum planet.  Mars is so boring that we have to make up things we see there:  A "human shape" in the distance or Barack Obama's head (I'm glad it's somewhere).  

BE THE FIRST TO ADOPT A MARTIAN PET "LIZARD"!

OR BUY OBAMA'S HEAD.  HE'S NOT USING IT.

 

 

 

What is Really Torture?

1.  Being a woman and accepting a cappuccino from Bill Cosby.  It's the exact opposite of sleep deprivation and a grotesque form of rectal rehydration.

2.  Having to stay married to Hillary Clinton in order to have another shot at the White House.  They say once you've done it on the Resolute desk it's not the same anywhere else.

3.  Being a woman and having a blind date with someone having the initials B.C.

4.  Seeing what you have after politicians blow $18 trillion.

5.  Having to choose between Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton.

6.  If 5 doesn't break you, then 6 is having to see 3 female Democrats run for president:  Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, and Bill de Blasio.  de Blasio has a sex change operation and changes his name, for the third time, to Sandy Nista.

7.  Being on a Target store aisle and trying to get around Michelle Obama.  To get around her big ass, you ask her politely to grab something off the shelf for you.  You later find out she tells People magazine that is her worst experience with racism in her life.

8.  If 7 doesn't break you for being called a racist, then 8 is finding a set of car keys and handing them to a black man who comes out of a restaurant looking completely lost.  You later find out that black man was Barack Obama - who is always completely lost - and he has told People magazine that his worst experience with racism is coming out of a restaurant that has valet parking and being handed a set of keys.

9.  The worst torture is living in a world where the pettiest, most disingenuous, most self-absorbed couple in the world are living in the lap of luxury and coddled 24/7 on your dime.

Four Dead in Ohio

I hadn't seen a mugging this brutal since a poor, over-weight man was swarmed by cops in New York City for just selling loosies.  Being a black man, he should have never seen this coming.  Barack Obama and Al Sharpton want cops to treat all people of color with kid gloves, even when they're using fake identities and killing pedestrians.  On the other hand, TCU should have seen this coming - in this world.  After all, their middle name is Christian.

 

TCU, Texas Christian University, dropped from the number 3 ranking to the number 6 ranking in the final college football playoff standings.  This drop in the rankings occurred the day after TCU had gashed Iowa State 55 to 3.  What was TCU supposed to do to retain its ranking and a spot in the four-team playoff?  Send the Iowa State players to the morgue?

The playoff selection committee, on Sunday, proved that their process for choosing the best college football teams is both arbitrary and without merit.  TCU should have never been ranked higher than Florida State.  Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing is pretty much true as long as you're not trying to send your competitors to the hospital, and no one has done winning better than Florida State this season.  But the committee did put TCU above Florida State, and then put Florida State above TCU!

This new 4 team playoff system is worse than what college football had.  It's much harder for a team to claim to be one of the two best teams in the nation than to claim to be one of the four best.  Outside of Alabama, Oregon, and Florida State, I don't believe there's much merit for any team to claim to be one of the best two.

Why did the selection committee elevate Ohio State into the playoffs?  Ohio State's 59 to zip trouncing of Wisconsin wasn't so much a sign of Ohio State's strength as it is a sign of the Big 10's weakness.  For a Big 10 division champion to have its ass handed to it in such a lopsided fashion in the Big 10 championship game doesn't say as much about Ohio State as it says about Wisconsin.  The hype associated with Ohio State football is as much deserved as the hype about Urban Meyer being sick.  Both were and are myths.  Meyer was only sick of being in Florida.

Hopefully, the hype about the greatness of Ohio State football will once again be bludgeoned by reality when OU faces another SEC team.  So far, TCU and Baylor's football dreams died in Ohio.  Here's hoping that Ohio State's and Urban Meyer's do as well.

Wee the People

It was stagecraft.  There was Barack Obama looking you straight in the eye, in long-sleeve shirt and tie, and sitting on the Resolute desk (hiding his shoe marks).  He appeared ready for work.  His handlers probably wanted his shirt sleeves rolled up, but Vladimir Putin has copyrighted showing that much skin.  The scene was too workmanlike and, therefore, too un-Obama-like.  Michelle should have been standing next to him in a black gown with a pyramid of three champagne glasses balanced on her butt.  Just to show Kim Kardashian that two can play that game.  And only two.

I don't have the foggiest idea what Obama said except I do know what he was saying.  He was saying tomorrow night at 8 PM we officially become a banana republic.  Dictatorship through executive fiat takes precedence over the US constitution.

Obama didn't hear the one-third of the electorate that voted November 4th, but he claims he heard the two-thirds that didn't vote.  Obama can hear college students crying about rising sea levels as the snows threaten to cover their chinny chin chins.  He can hear his daughters and change his mind about gay marriage.  But he didn't hear or feel the earthquake that swallowed some of his Democrat sycophants.  How did his daughters get through to him?  Kick him in the nuts?  Put his putter in the freezer?

Some moron once said "Life is like a box of chocolates", and it wasn't Forrest Gump.  It was Tom Hanks who gave Al Franken the maximum legal contribution in Franken's first senatorial run, even though Franken was running in Minnesota and Hanks probably couldn't find Minnesota on a map.  Hanks finds it OK to mess in other states' politics while ridiculing his own state's voters exercising their right to vote.

America is like a box of chocolate-covered cherries.  Progressives, like Obama, have finally licked off all the chocolate and all that's left is a bunch of goo and hollowed-out cherries, and the only pit in sight is the one to Hell.

Metaphorically Speaking

OBAMA SEES HIMSELF AS ATLAS CARRYING THE WORLD ON HIS SHOULDERS, BUT HE'S MORE LIKE AN INSECT MAKING A BALL OF SHIT.

Questions About Ferguson

QUESTION:  How do you stop an angry mob of lawless rioters?

ANSWER:  You call for a special election and the Democratic Party will bus them, in orderly fashion, to the polls.

QUESTION:  How do you tell the difference between the dance moves in a  Beyonce concert and the moves of street thugs falling over themselves as they scramble through broken store windows?

ANSWER:  Beyonce's parts jiggle more.

QUESTION:  Is it just a conspiracy theory that Barack Obama had Michael Brown killed to get Fox News obsessed with Ferguson and off the White House scandals?

ANSWER:  No, it's not just a conspiracy theory, it's my conspiracy theory and I'm sticking to it until I come up with one that doesn't involve eliminating a Democrat voter.

QUESTION:  Is there any truth to the rumor that the NFL wants the town of Ferguson to perform and sing the Mylie Cyrus song Wrecking Ball at this winter's Super Bowl?

ANSWER:  None whatsoever.  Ferguson refused to pay to perform.

QUESTION:  What's the difference between the Pied Piper and Eric Holder?

ANSWER:  The Pied Piper was a white man who could charm rats and Eric Holder is a rat who doesn't find anything charming about white men, or white women for that matter.

Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Mars,

Democrats Are From Alpha Centauri

In the great western, The Big Country, Chuck Connors tells his father, Burl Ives, that the school teacher, Jean Simmons, is sweet on him.  ( In today's terminology, that means they were being heterosexual deviants.)  Ives kidnaps Simmons hoping to get her ranch The Big Muddy, the only reliable source of water for Ives' cattle.  (In today's regulatory world, this makes absolutely no sense since the Big Muddy is obviously some kind of waterway and the EPA would put the screws to anyone trying to use it for profit.)  When Ives proposes a marriage between Connors and Simmons (more heterosexual perversion), the reaction from Simmons says it all:  Chuck Connors had told his father a bald-faced lie.  Ives looks at his son and says, "If you ain't the mother and father of all liars!"

If Connors was the mother and father of all liars for telling one whopper of a lie, then what is Barack Obama?

The Octomom and Octodad of All Liars?  Prodigious progeny all on the government teat.

The McDonald's of Liars?  Over One Billion Served

The Hamas Charter of Liars?  ...and the rocks and trees will cry out, "Oh Muslim, there is a Jew hiding behind me, come and kill him!"

The Hydra of All Liars?  Cut off one lying asshole head and two take its place.

The Black Hole of Liars?  Lies that cross its event horizon into the visible universe are never observed by the MSM.

Impeach, Court-martial, Execute

John Fitzgerald Kennedy's presidency was called Camelot.  Barack Hussein Obama's presidency should be called Sodom and Gomorrah, and not because the dark stain on America has a Middle Eastern name, although that is as good a place to start as any.

Barack Obama's presidency has been one of sin at a magnitude never before witnessed in American history.  Sloth has become an encouraged lifestyle and Obama has placed welcome mats on the border to sustain the lifestyle.  Obama has enough gray matter to know that someone has to do some work so he has re-instituted indentured servitude in America.  Under Obama, illegal immigrants are being given quasi-legal status that leads to them being abused in the marketplace and in their housing.  Unscrupulous slum lords, like once slum queen Valerie Jarrett, take advantage of the immigrants by renting them substandard quarters and shoehorning them in.

Obama likens himself a pacifist but he started WWI and he and the Democrats have started WWII, the second War on Women, heading into the 2014 midterms.  The women Obama defends want the Catholic Church to keep its rosaries off their ovaries*, but they will sell their votes like cheap whores for free contraception and broken promises of pay equality.  One of the first acts of president Obama was to protect the "reproductive health" of foreigners by cancelling George W. Bush's executive order of denying taxpayer funds to overseas groups that supported abortion. Right off the bat Obama showed he cared more about non-Americans than he did Americans.  To win an election, Obama would enthusiastically support third trimester abortions, sex-selection abortions, and partial-birth abortions.  None of these types of abortions is as heinous as Obama's past support for denying medical assistance to babies surviving botched abortions in Illinois.  One of the people Obama is likely to pardon before the end of his second term is mass murderer Kermit Gosnell, because - for progressives - the extermination of preemies isn't really murder.  

Obama's violations of his oath of office are only few in number when compared to his golf rounds and his lying.  It must have been Karma for Chief Justice Roberts to have error-ed in the first swearing in of Obama.  The Chief Justice swore Obama in again later to confirm that the oath was accomplished.  Roberts was wasting his time the first and second times.  Obama doesn't defend the Constitution, he wipes his ass with it in the toilet.  He and Eric Holder don't have enough time to enforce federal laws because they're too busy breaking them.  Not only should Obama be impeached for his felonious acts, but he should be court-martialed for abandoning his post as commander-in-chief.  Obama abandoned his post on the night the Benghazi consulate was attacked.  Was he in bed, resting for a fund-raising trip the next day?  In her book Hard Choices,  Hillary Clinton claims that Obama ordered the military to do everything possible to save Americans in Libya that night.  To believe that, one must also believe the military disobeyed a direct order from the POTUS.  The military STOOD DOWN that night.  The American military was missing-in-action during the death of ambassador Stephens because the president of the United States had deserted his post.  Soon, Obama is going to Texas for another of his innumerable fundraisers and he is not going to the Southern border.  Once more, he is abandoning his post.

If and until Barack Hussein Obama is court-martialed for offenses committed as commander-in-chief, Bowe Bergdahl should not be charged with a crime under the UCMJ.

God turned Lot's wife into a pillar of salt just for looking back at Sodom and Gomorrah.  God should have far worse in store for Obama for creating a Sodom and Gomorrah.  But I for one will not be satisfied if Obama escapes justice on earth.  I want him to suffer for his sins now.  He should be impeached.  He should be tried under the Uniform Code of Military Justice, and if found guilty, he should be punished to the maximum extent possible for a commander who abandons his post when his "soldiers" are under enemy fire.

* The slogan "keep your rosaries off our ovaries" was on a sign being carried by a little girl in a protest against the Supreme Court's Hobby Lobby decision.

I Guess He Was "Head Over Heels" In Love

Otherwise, he would have had pickled feet.


http://www.breitbart.com/Breitbart-London/2014/06/27/Gay-Man-Sentenced-For-Murdering-Lover-And-Cooking-Head

Dainty Bret Baier

I watched Bret Baier, of Fox News Special Report, interview Hillary Clinton Tuesday night.  That's 14 minutes I'd like to have back and put to better use, like plucking hairs from my ears and eyebrows. My male pattern baldness has been recompensed with ear hair and elongated eyebrow hairs.  The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

Less than a week ago, Bret Baier interviewed a former Air Force pilot who flew survivors of Benghazi to Germany the day after 9/11.  The Air Force officer said that the attackers of the consulate communicated with their leadership on Department of State cellphones.  So, not only did a street protest of a Youtube video inflame into an attack on the consulate with AK47s, prepositioned mortars, and a tactical knowledge of the consulate grounds, but the protesters had leaders that had given out their cellphone numbers in advance.  Perhaps, on the night of 9/11, while Obama and Hillary had their thumbs up their asses, the protesters were using their thumbs to text-message back and forth with leaders within arm's length, much like American teenagers. (The Obama doctrine is to be patient. The Islamists will grow up soon and stop lopping off heads.)

The night of 9/11 the Obama administration knew the attack on the Benghazi consulate was a terrorist attack, and not a protest of a Youtube video.  Why didn't Bret Baier ask Hillary Clinton, "How could you, madam Secretary, look at the caskets of the four dead Americans and their family members and tell them that the maker of a Youtube video will be punished for causing the deaths of ambassador Stephens and three other Americans?"  Bret Baier did not pose such a question.

During the interview, Clinton stated - just as she has written in her book - that Obama ordered the military to make every effort to protect Americans in Libya the night of 9/11.  Bret Baier did not follow up with a question about her assertion.  He should have asked, "So, the military was ordered by the commander-in-chief to do everything possible to protect ambassador Stephens that night.  What did the military do to obey that order?"  Her answer to that question would have been interesting.  Based upon all public knowledge, the military did not send, did not even mobilize, any assets to save American lives in Benghazi.  The Air Force pilot Bret Baier interviewed said he could have flown from Germany to Benghazi in four hours, but he was never ordered to prepare for a rescue mission.  Some of the Americans didn't die until seven hours had passed from the beginning of the attack.

Obama Serves With Honor and Distinction

Susan Rice would say so, and she's a Rhodes scholar.

Darwinists believe if you gave a chimpanzee an unbreakable word processor and an infinite amount of time that, because all possible combinations of random keystrokes would occur given enough time, a Shakespearean play would materialize at some point.  Darwinists were once young people who attended what are called "institutions of higher learning", which are the same places climate scientists come from.

Susan Rice, the Rhodes scholar remember, said Bowe Bergdahl served with honor and distinction.  And he deserted his post to seek out the Taliban.  That was a very dangerous thing to do.  Barack Obama deserted his post this Father's Day weekend to seek out a couple of rounds of golf and to give a commencement speech at the University of California at Irvine.  Obama's desertion was the act of a self-indulging coward.  When the commander-in-chief of the United States military deserts his post and gets his tail feathers preened by Cyrus-tongued sycophants, how can you punish a soldier for desertion?

While America's southern border is being breached, with impunity, by members of the Mara Salvatrucha transnational criminal gang (MS-13), and an Islamist caliphate is expanding in Syria and Iraq, and Putin is sending Russian tanks into Ukraine, Obama gave a commencement speech at Irvine on the real danger facing America and the world, climate change.

“Today’s Congress is full of folks who stubbornly and automatically reject the scientific evidence. They will tell you climate change is a hoax or a fad. One member of Congress actually says the world might be cooling.”

Obama obviously didn't get the memo.  It may have vanished at the same time as Lois Lerner's emails.  And obviously Obama hasn't read in the New York Times that the science isn't settled on whether the globe is heating or cooling, but the science is settled that it's doing one or the other.  The mantra of the "educated" Left is no longer global warming, but climate change or climate disruption.

Obama Says All Options Are on the (Dinner) Table

If Ben Carson Doesn't Run,

I'm Announcing My Candidacy For President of the United States

The platform I will run on will be composed of:

1.  Having George Bush Sr. jump out of an aircraft without a parachute for his ceasing of hostilities during Operation Desert Storm at just the time the American military was in position to destroy Saddam Hussein's Republican Guard.  This decision by Bush Sr. and allowing the Hussein regime to use helicopters to destroy Hussein's enemies following Operation Desert Storm changed history for the FAR WORSE.

2.  A presidential pardon of George Bush Sr. for his heroism in WWII.

3.  Having George W. Bush paint murals in Leavenworth for the remainder of his life for creating the FAR WORSE.  After 9/11, instead of going into Afghanistan and kicking Al Qaeda and the Taliban to hell and back, George W. elected to play it safe.  This resulted in bin Laden and Al Qaeda escaping from Tora Bora and moving to the safe haven of Pakistan.  Instead of a quick and decisive annihilation of Al Qaeda and the Taliban, Bush invaded Iraq and removed Saddam Hussein in a matter of weeks.  Having won the war, he proceeded to lose the peace by not including Iraqis in a new government, but setting up an American-managed, American military-backed caretaker government that resulted in the Iraqi people seeing the Americans as conquerors and not liberators.  The FAR WORSE of George W. Bush included establishing an environment that brought to power a candy ass, totally inept Marxist.

4.  No pardon for George W.

5.  Removal of Secret Service protection for Barack Hussein Obama and establishing a national lottery to see how long this MF lives.

6.  Fixing America's southern border by moving it to the Panama Canal.  Since Mexicans are so anxious to come to America, I'll bring America to them.

7.  Change the country's motto from IN GOD WE TRUST to WE LEAVE NO ONE BEHIND.  Progressives don't like the current motto, so in reaching across the aisle I want to give everyone a motto they can agree on, and progressives seem happy with WE LEAVE NO ONE BEHIND.  To live by our new motto, abortions will be outlawed so that unborn children are not left behind, turning corn into ethanol will be outlawed so the Hungry are not left behind, and DDT will be legal so children dying from malaria won't be left behind.  By living our new motto, we might find that God has some trust in us.

8.  The moment Iran builds a nuclear weapon, I will order a nuclear electromagnetic pulse (EMP) attack to destroy the country's electrical grid and their ability to make war.  To prevent any caualties, I will order the American military to mobilize to its fullest to provide food and potable water to Iran's people.  The EMP strike on North Korea happens the instant after my oath of office.

9.  I will super-glue a shirt on Vladimir Putin and super-glue Miley Cyrus into a burqa.

10.  After having enacted my platform in my first 90 days, I will resign and hand over the office of President of the United States to the honorable Mitt Romney, because in a fair and just world, he would be the actual president of the United States.

One More Time for Emphasis

MULTIPLE CHOICE:  What do you call a Beckel bobbing on the ocean?

A.  a cruise ship's lucky day

B.  a round mound of rebound

C.  poop from a sloop

D.  Godzilla's dinghy


Give up?  Actually, there's not much reason to differentiate between a Beckel on the water from a Beckel carrying water, which is what Beckel does on The Five.  He carries water for the Democrats.  Think of Bob "Bobbing" Beckel as a warning buoy.  He warns the other four of The Five when they're close to committing treason.  He has taught me a thing or two about treason, and he must be right as the other four have never pushed back when Beckel makes assertions about possible treason.  Beckel shows the same amount of wisdom on climate change as he does on treason.  But, beyond those two subjects, Beckel appears to be intellectually lazy and unprepared for discussing current events from 5 to 6.

So, after Beckel has taught The Five's audience everything about treason and climate change, he has ended his usefulness.  It would be time to move on to where he can be useful again.  He and Ed Shultz could serve a valuable service to Obamacare by cohosting a show on MSNBC.  It would make for a quick, efficient and cost-saving eye exam.  Optometrists would only have to say, "I'm going to change channels now.  Tell me when you see two fat-ass, blowhard imbeciles."

Charles Krauthammer is a Freaking Genius

QUIZ:  What do you call a Beckel bobbing in the ocean?

A.  a woman molester turned bouy molester

B.  a sex toy for a walrus

C.  a garbage scow in distress

D.  barnacle heaven

E.  flotsam, jetsam and dung some

F.  300 pounds of whale phlegm

Susan Rice said Bowe Bergdahl served with honor and distinction.  Bowe Bergdahl's hometown canceled his welcome home celebration because of safety concerns.  I'm tall, dark and handsome and a terrific dancer.

The above paragraph contains three lies.  One, Bergdahl served with honor.  Two, Bergdahl served with distinction.  Three, Bergdahl's welcome home celebration was cancelled because of safety concerns.  Anyone finding more lies can keep them to themselves.

What makes progs say lies that fly in the face of reality?  The simple explanation is:  That's what progs do.  And judging by Barack Obama, Jay Carney, Susan Rice and Harry Reid, that is a damn good explanation.  But, there is probably more to it than that.

I believe progs have a distorted sense of reality.  It's what Charles Krauthammer called last night on Special Report the White House's "conceptual problem".  Progs live in an abstract world where their lies are believeable, and maybe even true for all I know.  In this abstract world Bob Beckel can hit on Eric Bolling's wife, or some other attractive woman, because in Beckel World he's tall, dark and handsome.

In the abstract world progs live in Man does cause climate change.  That wouldn't be a problem for us flat-earthers except progs want to take trillions and trillions of dollars from us to fix Beckel World.

The Bittersweet Tail

STARRING



Once upon a time lived a candy ass president who didn't quite have a Midas touch.  Everything he touched turned to shit.  So, it might be said, "He had a toilet bowl touch."  Some claimed he led from behind, but actually, he led with his behind, which made his toilet bowl touch that much more devastating.

Candy Ass slowly turned the greatest republic in history into a banana republic, and like the Cavendish banana that fed the world and was going extinct, the republic stopped caring about feeding the world with staples and ideas of freedom and liberty, and was content with going extinct as long as it was relaxing.  Candy Ass didn't lead by law, he ruled by whim.

 

If the republic had cared about saving itself, it could have done so.  Even though Candy Crowley, as a debate moderator, was a cheerleader for Candy Ass and lied to the television audience to support him in a debate during Candy Ass's second presidential campaign, and even though most of the media supported Candy Ass, the republic knew - it was impossible not to know - that Candy Ass had a toilet bowl touch.

Candy Ass selected people with equal abilities to his to run his administration.  Therefore, they had no leadership abilities.  The head of the Justice Department looked like a whiskerless sewer rat, except that a sewer rat has beautiful, bright brown eyes that give it an endearing look.  Eric Holder looked like a whiskerless sewer rat with cataracts.  He called Americans a bunch of cowards, and Americans didn't mind.  They found it liberating and quite relaxing.

When Candy Ass went overseas, he was equally adept at making crap.  He once took a trip to Asia and met with the Eye Candy of Thailand.  He flirted with Eye Candy.  Oh, how he flirted!  Then, he went home to his wife, and probably got some crap beat out of him.  Eye Candy was overthrown by a military coup and placed under house arrest.  Defenders of Candy Ass will say forever that he had nothing to do with this.  But he went to Thailand, flirted with Eye Candy, and then she was overthrown.  That is pretty damning.  Just as damning as Man emits carbon dioxide, carbon dioxide is a greenhouse gas, therefore Man is causing runaway climate change.

 

Candy Ass is going back overseas and meeting the Candy Magnate of Ukraine.  As sure as the seas rise, Candy Magnate will be deposed by Vladamir Putin in the near future.  Candy Ass's toilet bowl touch is an unstoppable force.

 

Candy Ass is a bittersweet tail.  Half the world finds him bitter, and half the world finds him sweet.  Only a battle between Heaven and Hell will resolve who is right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



The CATUS

 

The Candy Ass of The United States

Why did we swap 5 Taliban devils for one American soldier?  When we could have swapped 100.

Obama should have insisted on sending every GITMO detainee to Qatar in exchange for Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl.  He then could have closed down GITMO as he's been promising to do since first running for CATUS.

There is only one reason he didn't do so.  Barack Obama is a candy ass.  He loves breaking the law and flouting executive powers in the face of Congress, but he knows better than going from push to shove.  Or as progs would say, "Nudge your way to your goals."

Obama broke the law in the exchange for Bergdahl.  The law states that he must advise Congress before such an action, but he did not.  The administration said that Bergdahl's declining health made an immediate exchange necessary.  If you believe that, I have some magic beans to sell you.  Eat the beans and you never will need a colonoscopy, and you'll lay golden eggs!

Bergdahl had been held by the Taliban for five years.  Watch as his declining health will limit his activity to a flight to Germany for a "quickie" physical and then on to America and a hug from the CATUS on the White House Rose garden in front of a mob of reporters.

My sister predicted Obama would deflect attention away from the VA scandal by getting Sgt Andrew Tahmooressi released from a Mexican prison.  If she had been any closer to the truth, I would suspect her of being a spy for the White House ferreting out redneck traitors.

Obama needed a win.  And he needed it with the military.  Sgt Tahmooressi is another deflection that Obama can hold onto for two and a half years.

 



Some People Grow Up, Some People Progress

When I was a boy, I believed the orangish, bulbous areas on some pine tree limbs was caused by snakes biting the pine trees.  I don't recall why I thought that or why, for that matter, I even thought at all about misshaped pine tree limbs.  At some point, I should have asked the question:  Why would a snake bite a pine tree?  But, I'm pretty sure I never did.  I was probably busy smoking a stick or putting cherry bombs under tin cans.

If boys ruled the world, we'd be worshipping ladies' undergarmints.  Boys are stupid that way, and every other way you can possibly imagine.  I should believe in God just because I lived long enough to reach puberty.  Certainly, something greater than me was protecting me from me during those times Mom wasn't there and Mischief was.

I loved my boyhood, but I also love referring to it in the past tense.  The only thing that breaks my heart is having to refer to my mother, father and all the wonderful adults that touched my life in the past tense.  Growing up is life's consolation for the loss of loved ones.

What is the consolation for progressives in ageing?  They don't grow up.  They continue to believe snakes bite pine trees or its equivalence: man makes climate disruption.  If Obama and the UN saw they could control populations by promoting the belief that snakes bite pine trees, you grown-ups could be sure that the evidence that snakes have fangs and pines have misshapen limbs would be ample evidence to convince most progressives.

Perhaps, the consolation for progressives in ageing is retaining a father and mother figure, found most often in their political leaders.  If so, it's a terrible consolation due to the character and abilities of their leaders.

In her new memoir Hard Choices, Hillary Clinton states that president Obama gave the order to do whatever was necessary to protect the Americans under attack in Benghazi.  “When Americans are under fire, that is not an order the Commander in Chief has to give twice,” she wrote.

What adult would believe such a preposterous assertion?  On the night Ambassador Stephens and three other Americans died, there wasn't a "smidgen" of military assistance given.  If Obama had actually given such an order, he should have come out days later saying he was mad as hell to find out that his generals disobeyed his order after reading in the paper that no rescue mission was attempted.  Only in a child's mind could Hillary Clinton's statements be believed.

You Say Toe-May-Toe, I Say I Hate O

He fired his cannons till the barrels melted down, then he grabbed an alligator and he fired another round.

 

Obama has nothing left.  He killed his last straw man with his last straw.  He's furrowing old ground and kicking the same old tired horse.  The only thing new on the horizon is he has two and a half years left to drive me to the insane asylum.

 

Obama went to West Point and didn't make a new point.  His commencement speech was probably the most pathetic - even I felt sorry for him - speech given at any institution of higher learning in 2014.  That's saying a lot when Nancy Pelosi went to Berkeley and told the graduates, "Being called a disruptor, in my view, is a very high compliment."  Pelosi has been flying in the rarefied air of Truth lately.  Not only did she admit to admiring people who "disrupt", the people who tear down society, she didn't say one word about people who "construct", the people who make society function.  She also called Obamacare beautiful, which is true in her view.  If you had looked at her puss in the mirror all your life, you'd think Obamacare was beautiful too.

 

Obama has shot his wad.  He and Prince Charles can spend the next couple of years fighting over who will be the most listened to, yet most inconsequential human being on the planet.  Prince Charles got his wish to be the tampon of Camilla (bugged phonelines don't lie), and he's been a douchebag on the world stage ever since, spouting off incredible assertions about the imminent demise of humanity by manmade climate change.  Just as soon as he, Al Gore and Obama move into grass huts and start cooking rodents over an animal dung-fueled fire, I will take manmade climate change seriously.

 

With Obama's goose cooked, it's time for the crocodilian Michelle O to start serving vegetables.  You're going to be seeing and hearing a lot more from the FLOTUS in the next two and one-half years.

 

I hope Obamacare doesn't have high deductibles for psychiatric care.

 

 

 

It's As Simple As One, Two, Three

Washington Worm Tongues Would Be Fitting

 

 

 

 

50 senators, probably all Democrats, sent a letter to the NFL pushing for the Washington Redskins to change their name:

 

"Today, we urge you and the National Football League to send the same clear message as the NBA did: that racism and bigotry have no place in professional sports. (Racism and bigotry is used all up by Hollywood and Washington elites on rednecks.)  It's time for the NFL to endorse a name change for the Washington, D.C. football team." 

Having an American Indian mascot for an NFL team located in the District of Columbia is certainly odd.  American Indian tribes that lived east of the Mississippi River were forced onto reservations west of the Mississippi River over 100 years ago.  Here is a more appropriate mascot that is more representative of the kinds of people Washington DC holds in esteem.



 

 

WASHINGTON WUSSIES



 

A wussie is a pussy who complains about the smell of tourists and visitors to the nation's capital and would therefore certainly be repulsed by the smells of an Indian reservation or a Chicago ghetto; someone who literally cries about having to do his job instead of seeing the blooms on his pomegranate trees, who passes legislation to enrich himself and that bankrupts the country by making American businesses less competitive, and who raised a douchebag of a son to follow in his footsteps.  In the good and just days of old, a piece of shit like this would have been beaten to an inch of his life on the floor of the Senate by another senator with a cane.  Instead, his behavior is put up with and shows we've turned into a nation of pussies.





Now is the Winter of Our Discontinuance

Will there be a presidential election in 2016?  Will there be an America to have an election?  These are not frivolous questions, in my mind.  Progressives are cannibalizing on the body of a once mighty industrial Titan at a pace that makes me wonder if enough will be around to resuscitate in 2017.

If possible, who is there that could possibly resuscitate the Titan?  One person, I believe, is Mitt Romney.  But, I believe he loves his wife too much to run again.  Mitt Romney isn't my shining knight of conservatism and preserver of the Constitution, but he may be the most economically savvy politician and most decent politician since Ronald Reagan.  If being a decent man was seen as cool in America, Obama wouldn't have to be reading the New York Times and Washington Post to find out what's going on in his administration.  He could be writing books of fact, like The Biography of Paul Bunyan and The Life and Times of Pecos Bill.

Who else can resuscitate the Titan?  Ben Carson.  Ben Carson can fix brains.  And that's the next best thing to being able to fix minds.  Fixing minds is what America needs most because half of America is acting as if it's lost its mind.

Different Scale, Same Evil

Living Upside Down

 

Rarely does Andrea Tantaros and Dana Perino say something on The Five that I find objectionable.  But yesterday, they said something that I not only find objectionable, but worthy of my rebuke.  Ergo, this post.

Andrea and Dana basically said that Warren Buffet giving over one billion dollars to Planned Parenthood and other abortion groups was no big deal.  They said it's legal and Buffet has the right to donate his "hard earned" money as he sees fit.

Hitler rounding up Jews and exterminating them was legal since he was the supreme lawmaker.  He killed over one million Jewish children.  Buffet has facilitated the killing of over two million children.  Two million children don't exist because Buffet paid to have them aborted.

The Warren Buffet story will be in the news for one day and then vanish.  There's just not enough time to talk about it with all the more important stories.  Who will Sperling insult today?  What's with Jay Z and his sister-in-law?  Was Alec Baldwin wearing a helmet when he was arrested in New York City for bicycling in the wrong direction?  (If he was not, I want to give him a big wet kiss.  And there's nothing wrong with that when you're living upside down.)

President Clinton Uses Vagina as Cigar Humidor

I wonder what the results would have been if the New York Times had used the title of this post as a front page headline during the impeachment of Bill Clinton.  Would the feminists and Left have demanded Clinton's removal from office?  Of course, the Times would have never published such a headline, not because it isn't true, but because the Times doesn't hurt Democrats.

 

I wonder why Hollywood and the Left are outraged by the abduction of approximately 300 girls in Nigeria by the Islamic group Boko Haram.  When Boko Haram slaugthered fifty teenage boys and burned some of the boys alive, there was no outrage.  I did not even hear about this at the time.  The Left's blood doesn't seem to boil when Coptic Christians are killed by the Muslim Brotherhood and other Islamist barbarians, and Coptic Christian girls are forced to convert to Islam and marry old men.  Where was the outrage when Assad used chemical weapons on children?  The Left's only response was for the Ambassador for Humanity, Barack Obama, to immediately erase his red line.  Where is the Left's outrage over Putin partitioning an almost defenseless country?  The Ambassador for Humanity's answer to this injustice is to send Ukraine meals-ready-to-eat.

 

I would chalk up the Left's outrage to the abduction of the Nigerian girls and not to other brutal acts of barbarism as just the Left showing their insanity.  They are indeed insane.  They outlawed the miracle insecticide DDT based upon mythology, not science.  The World Health Organization reports that an estimated 627,000 people died from malaria in 2012, most of the deaths being African children.  ( 627,000 vs 300, Persia vs Sparta odds)  DDT would have saved these people.  The Left is turning corn into ethanol on a starving planet based upon their mythology, not science.  The idiots of the Left might as well try to control the evaporation of water molecules from the planet's oceans as try to control the climate.  If they want to control the climate, controlling the evaporation of water molecules is exactly what they have to do, because water vapor is by far the most significant greenhouse gas.  No, I think this outrage over the Nigerian girls by the Left isn't coming from their liminal "brain" because their liminal brain wouldn't be outraged.  These are just 300 girls, most likely Christian, abducted by Muslims to be converted to Islam.  A situation no different to the Coptic Christians in Egypt.  I believe the Left's outrage is coming from their subliminal "brain".  The subliminal is reminding the liminal that messing with a female's vagina is a damnable sin.

 

The Boko Haram have really stepped in some elephant dung.  But, there is a way out for them.  If they promise free healthcare and visits by Planned Parenthood to all the girls, they won't suffer the wrath from the Ambassador for Humanity, and Michelle can remove that fake dour expression from her face and start planning her next multi-million dollar vacation.

 

 

 

Oxymorons

progressive Catholic:  Examples of this oxymoron include Joe Biden, John Kerry and Nancy Pelosi.  They claim to be Catholics and yet support the killing of preborns.  Priests should cross their foreheads with white-hot branding irons, because simple ash doesn't get through the numb skulls.  Being Catholic and being pro-choice (Pro-choice is not an oxymoron.  It's a prevarication.) is like trying to deep fry chocolate pudding.  You'll only get something pleasing and familiar to the ass of someone like Michael Moore.

 

reproductive health:  As used by progressives means the right to abortion.  Using the derivative of reproduce in this way, I want to reproduce Barack Obama, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and Dr. Gosnell.  STAT!

 

climate change:  According to progs, the climate shouldn't change.  The climate should always be at the optimum temperature for growing marijuana.

 

armed conflict:  A sure-as-Hell oxymoron when describing Russia's conflict with the Ukraine because Obama won't give arms to Ukraine for Ukrainians to defend themselves.

 

naked aggression:  An oxymoron because while Putin has taken his shirt off, he hasn't taken his pants off, yet.  He could be afraid that Obama would retaliate by taking off his mom jeans.  If this were to happen, it would create another oxymoron:  a Weiner Fest.

 

Ambassador for Humanity:  A definite oxymoron because this award, Ambassador for Humanity, was presented by Steven Spielberg to Barack Obama.  For this to not be an oxymoron, humanity would have to be defined as a subset of humans to not include preborns, conservatives, Eastern Europeans, Syrian refugees, Republican congressmen, Iranian dissidents, drone "collateral damage", a Pakistani doctor, a Youtube video maker, the Koch brothers, border patrol agents killed by Fast & Furious guns, all the starving people in the world who would love to eat an ear of corn or the farm animals that could be raised on the vast amounts of corn being converted into biofuel, and all the poor of the world who will remain in poverty because of Obama's and the UN's climate change agenda.