Beauty Advice to Harry and Friends From Cindy Crawford

Dear Harry,

What on earth has prettier eyes than a sewer rat?  The answer is nothing.  A sewer rat's eyes sparkle like flawless black pearls.  The secret to the sewer rat's beautiful eyes and the answer to meaningful beauty and eye health is not cucumbers, botox injections or expensive doctors' visits, but putting shit in your eyes.

You and your friends are so lucky!  Nature gave you a plentiful and fresh supply of this beauty secret just a nose-length away.  So, I plead with you, with as much sincerity as Prince Charles pleaded with his countrymen to turn off their lights for Earth Hour, to use what nature gave you to save your eyes.

Your admirer,

Cindy Crawford

PS:  I may or may not be Cindy Crawford because as your defenders say, "Everyone lies."  I could really be Cindy Crawford giving you the only medical advice that will save your damaged eye, or I could be an impostor who hopes your fucking eyeball falls out of its socket and winds up in Obama's golf bag.

The Selma Witch Trial, Act II "I Object to This Country"

*THIS IS A CONTINUATION OF "THE SELMA WITCH TRIAL" POST*

A New York Times reporter in the courtroom has jotted down notes in shorthand following the opening arguments of both the Prosecution and the Defense:

pros must have no hard evid.  it must be basin its case on circum evid.  must think elim stupid amercans as reson for 2 terms will meen witchcraft is reson.  Def is goin all out to prove amercans just stupid.  will admit to all obvius lies and disemblin of potus to prove amercans just plane stupid an potus is no witch.

Judge:  "Is the prosecution ready to call its first witness?"

Prosecution:  "We are, your honor.  The State calls the senator from the state of Massachusetts, Elizabeth Warren."

Elizabeth Warren takes the stand and says, "I do."  Her husband, seated in the courtroom, has his mind wander back to the worst day of his life when he married the squaw.

Prosecution:  "Permission to treat as a hostile witness, your honor?"  (Before the judge can respond, the Defense blasts off from his chair.)

Defense:  "I object, your honor!  I object to the term hostile being used for this witness.  And I strenuously object to the prosecution emphasizing the second syllable of hostile.  He's being anti-native American!"

Judge:  "For the remainder of this trial, we will use belligerent in place of hostile."

Prosecution:  "I object to that, your honor.  The first syllable of belligerent is bell and may conjure up the image of a Southern belle in the minds of the jurors when I'm calling female Democrats.  And that is the last image imaginable they should have in their heads."

Elizabeth Warren:  "I object!"

Judge:  "Just call your witnesses exceptional and I'll know what you mean, Mr. Prosecutor."

Prosecution:  "All right, your honor.  Now, Senator Warren.  Outside of his political career, what job did the defendant, Barack Obama, perform that most Americans singularly know him for?"

Warren:  "I would suppose a community organizer."

Prosecution:  "That is exactly right.  And back to the subject of syllables, what are the first two syllables of the word community?

Warren:  "Com-mune."

Prosecution:  "Commune as in communism!  What are the first two syllables in the word organizer?"

Warren:  "Organ."

Prosecution:  "Organ, as in what part of a frog or chicken do witches put in their spells: Frog organs and chicken organs!"

Defense:  "Your honor, is the Prosecution trying to prove my case for me with this line of questioning?"

Judge:  "Where are you headed with this line of questioning, Mr Prosecutor?"

Prosecution:  "Your honor, members of the jury, why would the American voters elect a man whose main claim to fame outside of a mediocre political career was being a community organizer.  Most Americans wouldn't even know what a community organizer does, and it sounds to me as some sort of made-up job.  I believe Barack Hussein Obama was a community organizer because it is part of a Divine Code.  DaVinci had his code and we are witnessing God's code if we will only open our eyes and decipher it.  Later, during my questioning of another "exceptional" Democrat, I'm going to show you a picture having the accused standing at a podium addressing the American people and he appears to have two sets of horns on his head.  Maybe, just maybe, Barack Obama isn't just a witch.  Maybe, he's the son of Satan."

Defense:  "MISTRIAL!  MISTRIAL!  YOUR HONOR, I DEMAND AN IMMEDIATE MISTRIAL!

Judge:  "ORDER!  ORDER IN THE COURT.  Bailiff, sequester the jurors.  Mr. Prosecutor, Mr. Defender, to my chamber.  NOW!"

I Turned My Lights On To See Earth Hour Better

CHOOSE A CAPTION BELOW OR MAKE YOUR OWN

"I HATE CASUAL FRIDAYS.  I MUCH PREFER MY BLACK CHOPPER."

"YOU SAID YOU COULD LAND ON A DIME, SO WHY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR IT THERE?"

"WAX THE CHOPPER AND CAMILLA'S LEGS WHILE I'M GONE."

"I THINK I OVERDRESSED FOR MY FLASHERS ANONYMOUS MEETING."

"GOD SAVED THE QUEEN.  NEXT TIME COME IN LOWER AND FASTER, FITZHUGH."

Prince Charles pleaded with the commoners to turn off their lights Friday evening for Earth Hour.  He then took an 80 mile chopper ride on Sunday.  

The Friday after Earth Hour Friday should be Mirth Hour Friday where flat-earthers laugh at the buffoons who turned off their lights the week before.

That Explains That

The Obamas were in Hawaii and Biden was checking out the "big chair" when the red phone rang.  It was the Pentagon saying the Taliban had captured Bowe Bergdahl.  Joe thought the Pentagon said the Taliban had captured Bo the bird dog, and told them to do everthing possible to free the family pet.

It's going to be a lot tougher for Michelle to find help for the White House garden this year.  Last year, Barack couldn't contain his excitement when Michelle said she was going to the garden to pull on some weeds.  Unlike Bill Clinton, Barack knows the pleasures of inhaling.

There's a secret book in the Library of Congress that only presidents have access to.  Throughout history, presidents have added to the book things they believed best symbolized their presidencies.  Bush opened the book and found a pair of women's panties and never opened it again.  Obama removed the stained underwear and kept them because they reminded him of golden moments spent with Frank Marshall Davis.  (See Obama's poetry)

There's a subterranean vault beneath the White House for national emergencies.  There's no truth to the rumors that Michelle has moved Sasha and Malia's bedrooms down there because she knows Barack's and John Kerry's negotiating skills.

There are National Security Council discussions of replacing the Secret Service with Victoria's Secret.  There won't be any reduction in the president's safety and Michelle will have someone to give the food to that she takes away from school lunchrooms.

When referring to HRC, I have been personally warned by Hillary Clinton Super Volunteers not to use words or phrases like skank, she-male, political whore, empty pants suit, or New York's illegal immigrant, but they say I can denigrate Bill as much as I like.  So I'll just refer to Hillary as Bill's turd term.

The Selma Witch Trial

You Can't Spell Selma Without S-A-L-E-M

Judge:  "Will the accused please rise.  Barack Hussein Obama Jr, you are accused of the capital crime of practicing witchcraft.  How do you plead?"

BHO:  "Not guilty."

Judge:  "Is the State ready for its opening argument?"

Prosecutor:  "We are, your honor.  Your honor, members of the jury, the State will prove beyond any reasonable doubt that the defendant, Barack Hussein Obama, willfully practiced witchcraft for the purpose of attaining high office.  We will show the defendant, in his own words, describing how his birth was a direct result of the civil rights march in Selma, Alabama in 1965.  We will also show the court the notarized birth certificate of Barack Hussein Obama Jr. having a birth date of 1961.  Now, either the defendant was spawned through witchcraft or he's a goddamned liar."

Judge:  "I won't tolerate profanity in my court!  Any more profanity will get you contempt of court."

Prosecutor:  "I apologize your honor.  The deeds of the defendant and their results have been of such a grave nature to our country, and the world, that I let my emotions get the better of me.  May I proceed with my opening argument?"

Judge:  "You may."

Prosecutor:  "The State is going to show the defendant on innumerable occasions feeding transparently obvious lies to the public.  The defendant said if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor, and he said his administration is the most transparent administration in history.  He said the death of ambassador Stephens at Benghazi was terrorism when, in fact, he blamed a video.  We have Mr. Hussein, on video, stating there was not a smidgen of corruption in the activities of Lois Lerner and other IRS employees while evaluating the tax statuses of conservative groups. The list of lies of Mr. Hussein is so extensive that the State has chosen to only present his most egregious lies, and we will present them to the court under the title, 2001 Lies, A Disgraced Odyssey.  Members of the jury, you will conclude that witchcraft had to be involved in Mr. Hussein obtaining the most powerful position in the world.  To do otherwise would be admitting the American people are stupider than dirt and no longer capable of self-government."

Defense Attorney:  Before I begin my opening argument, your honor, will you please instruct the prosecution to refer to my client by his proper name?"

Judge:  "The prosecution will refer to the defendant as the defendant or Mr. Obama."

Defense Attorney:  "Your honor, my client is president Obama."

Judge:  "The outcome of this trial will determine that, begin your argument."

Defense Attorney:  "Your honor, members of the jury, the defense will prove that the birth certificate of my client from the state of Hawaii is a forgery and that he was born after his parents came together following the march in Selma in 1965.  My client was born in Kenya.  We will present the defendant's Social Security number that bears the state of Connecticut's numerical prefix 042 even though president Obama has never lived in Connecticut.  We will also present to the court the defendant's college transcripts showing that he attended the most prestigious institutions in America as a foreign exchange student.  The defense will show that president Obama has lied to the electorate repeatedly, but never - NEVER - has there been witchcraft used by the president.  The defense will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the American people are just too damn stupid to govern themselves."

 

Beware Snakes Hawking Red Delicious Apples

Barack, the magic reptile, lived in DC.

He gave mullah pukes a couple of nukes

and they wiped out Galilee.

Little Jewish children don't play by the sea,

But their carbon shadows will live through time

On some walls in Tel Aviv.

Oh, Barack the magic reptile,

He lived on lies and guile.

He could con most folks with a couple of jokes,

Topping them with his big smile.

Black magic surely created this One.

He was born in Sixty-one.

But, his parents conceived him in Sixty-five

When Selma was broadcast live.

Oh, Barack the magic reptile,

In lockstep we will file.

It's mandatory that we vote

As we walk down our green mile.

Word of the "Octade" : Dissemble

Taken from the Whitehouse.gov website:

The National Security Council (NSC) is the President's principal forum for considering national security and foreign policy matters with his senior national security advisors [ that include Susan Rice and Joe Biden ] and cabinet officials. Since its inception under President Truman, the Council's function has been to advise and assist the President on national security and foreign policies. The Council also serves as the President's principal arm for coordinating these policies among various government agencies.

This National Security Council forwarded the cartoon below to reporters that cover the White House.

Barack Hussein Obama is the Octomom of straw men.  He gestates them at a rate that would make Henry Ford envious, and his straw men are the only men being birthed that Planned Parenthood can't abort with taxpayer dollars.

Obama's picking on Cotton plants the opening defense of his Iranian nuclear deal.  He's just going back to his roots when he's using vile dissembling tactics.

It's All About That Vase, 'bout That Vase, No Devil!

Laura Dowling, once the head White House florist who was said to have been literally escorted out the door because of Michelle Obama's dissatisfaction with her work, seems to have captured Barack Obama perfectly:  A pungent, showy, yellow, petal-soft and thin-skinned exterior that tries unsuccessfully to hide a hideously tentacled, tough, green with spite, mother-in-law tongued beast within.  The vase probably wobbles because it's unbalanced.

 

Hillary Clinton Testing Out Campaign Themes

HRC needs help.  She is actually considering the lame campaign theme "Working Together".  Here are some more unique themes she can have free of charge:

I DON'T FEEL NO WAYS TARRED.

I COME TOO FAHR FUM WHERE I STARTED FUM.

MY CHINA POLICY WILL BE THE SAME AS MY SILVER FLATWARE POLICY.  THEY GO WHEN I GO.

WHITE HOUSE OR BUST.  I'M LEANING TOWARD BOOBS.

I HIT THE GROUND RUNNING AFTER CORKSCREW LANDINGS.

MY KINGDOM FOR A WHORE.  TO KEEP BILL OCCUPIED.

I'LL BE THE FLOTUS POTUS WITH THE MOSTUS!

I AM WOMAN.  HEAR ME BORE.

YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS?  PUT THEM ON MY BILL.

I'LL DEFEAT ISIS EVEN IF BILL CAN'T DEFINE IT.

STAND BY YOUR MAN.  IT'S EASIER TO KICK HIM IN THE NUTS.

Rice Tweets

Remember in the movie, The Wizard of Oz, when the wizard gave a diploma to the scarecrow and the scarecrow miraculously acquired a brain, proven by the scarecrow instantly rattling off some obscure mathematical theorem.

In real life everyone knows, excluding scarecrows and progressives, it is self-evident that giving a scarecrow a diploma does not give the scarecrow a brain.  Just as giving a Rhodes scholarship to Susan Rice didn't give her a brain.  The jury is still out as to whether giving a Rhodes scholarship to a man gives him a wandering penis.

In response to something she read on the internet, Susan Rice tweeted:

A giant of African lit., he brought the Continent–and Nigeria, in particular–2 the world. His works left lasting impression on me & my gen.   Despite the promise of the future, today is a somber day in Nigeria, as Chinua Achebe was laid to rest in his native village.

 

The giant of African literature that Susan Rice referred to has been dead since 2013.  He was not buried on Monday March 23rd, 2015.  Susan Rice had fallen for an internet hoax.

No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes, but should Susan Rice have made this particular mistake?  She was the Africa advisor in the State Department during the second term of Bill Clinton.   In the Obama administration, she has been the US ambassador to the United Nations and is now the national security advisor.  Shouldn't Rice have known that "a giant of African literature that brought the continent of Africa to the world" had been dead for quite some time prior to mid-March 2015?

For members of the Obama administration this is par for the course, and in life and death struggles you don't get mulligans.  There won't be any do-overs if Tel Aviv ceases to exist.

When CIA director John Brennan says the CIA knows where every Iranian nuclear site is located, should we believe that?  When Barack Obama and John Kerry say that a deal with Iran will prevent Iran from getting a nuke, should we believe that?

Barack Obama wants a deal with Iran so bad he'll say any lie and he'll obfuscate and dissemble just as much as he did to get Obamacare.  He must get that piece of paper that says he successfully negotiated with Iran.  I just wonder if he would settle for us giving him a diploma.  Who knows, maybe he would miraculously acquire a brain.  If that were to work, we could then give him a Rhodes scholarship and see if he grows a penis.

It's Written in the Stars

Kim and Kanye will have a beautiful little girl and name her South. Sadly, the lives of North West and South West will take completely different directions.

Franklin Graham will run for president.  Dick Durbin will stand at the Senate podium and denigrate Franklin's supporters, calling them Graham Crackers.

Obama will place his presidential library in Chicago and have a section dedicated to his greatest achievements.  Volumes in this section will include Killing Lincoln-Mercury and Capitalism and Killing Jesus and Christianity.

To shore up support from the party's left wing, Hillary Clinton will choose Elizabeth Warren as a running mate.  Having Bill as a husband, Hill and Lizzie will also be mates in activities beyond running.

Bill de Blasio and Al Sharpton will be gunned down by the NYPD in what will end up being ruled justifiable homicide.

Michelle Obama kills Barack when she learns Trayvon Martin was his son.  In the pre-trial investigation, it's learned that Michelle had jumped a fence, run 200 yards evading Secret Service agents with dogs, and walked through an unlocked door to gun down her husband in the Oahu residence.

The best reporter in the world, Fox New's Catherine Herridge, discovers that the scaffolding on the Capitol building and other buildings in DC are Faraday cages, which will protect Washington DC from a nuclear electromagnetic pulse.  Herridge discovers the reason why Congress hasn't spent a paltry few billion dollars to protect America's electrical grid is because of a conspiracy hatched by the Obama administration and members of Congress.  Obama and Kerry collude with Iran to mortally cripple America with 2 nukes.  In the aftermath 200 million Americans will die - just America's sacrifice in fighting climate change - and Washington DC will be left unscathed for the coming fundamental transformation.

 

 

Gore, What is He Good For?

Absolutely Nothing?

Putin disappears for 10 or 11 days and the conspiracy theories run wild.  Al Gore disappears for 11 months and the world yawns, maybe because the media knows he's just on a Caribbean island getting an oil and lube job with Bill C.  But, Big Butt is back.  He probably heard the EPA is making rumblings about regulating back yard grilling and he wants to get in on the action.

Gore has stated, "We are putting 90 million tons of carbon pollution in the earth's atmosphere every day as if the atmosphere were an open sewer."

For the moment, let's agree with Al Gore and Bill Nye, the Science Gay and anti-Semite, that carbon dioxide is a pollutant.  Are we treating the atmosphere as an open sewer by emitting carbon pollution?  No, we are not.  We are treating the atmosphere as one part of a closed sewage system.  The atmosphere would be one part of a three part closed system consisting of the atmosphere, the oceans, and the land (to include sea floors).  The carbon or sewage is being constantly recycled between the 3 parts, and we should really thank God - yes, thank Him every day - for this closed sewage system.  God created plate tectonics not to frighten us with earthquakes and erupting volcanoes, but to force land that has billions of tons of fossil remains in the form of carbon compounds into the earth's interior where it melts and releases that carbon to be re-utilized.  To make you, for example.

Without God's ingenious sewer system, we wouldn't be here.  Because almost all the world's carbon would be locked in the earth's crust, in the ocean's seafloors, in the white cliffs of Dover (limestones from long ago creatures) and other "endpoints".  There wouldn't be any carbon to make you or me or Obama's Ficus tree.  The world would be the progressives' perfect carbon sequestration system.