Dear Harry,
What on earth has prettier eyes than a sewer rat? The answer is nothing. A sewer rat's eyes sparkle like flawless black pearls. The secret to the sewer rat's beautiful eyes and the answer to meaningful beauty and eye health is not cucumbers, botox injections or expensive doctors' visits, but putting shit in your eyes.
You and your friends are so lucky! Nature gave you a plentiful and fresh supply of this beauty secret just a nose-length away. So, I plead with you, with as much sincerity as Prince Charles pleaded with his countrymen to turn off their lights for Earth Hour, to use what nature gave you to save your eyes.
Your admirer,
Cindy Crawford
PS: I may or may not be Cindy Crawford because as your defenders say, "Everyone lies." I could really be Cindy Crawford giving you the only medical advice that will save your damaged eye, or I could be an impostor who hopes your fucking eyeball falls out of its socket and winds up in Obama's golf bag.
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