Climate Forecast: It Won't Rain Men

NOAA says it is changing temperature readings from decades past for homogeneity.  You see there!  You let homos change the definition of marriage and they think now they can change anything.

Obama could have justified the release of 5 GITMO terrorists for Bowe Bergdahl - who served with honor and distinction -  by explaining that they aren't as dangerous as Kanye West.

Did Bruce Jenner commit vehicular homicide so that he could get a sex change operation at the state's expense?

You let some metrosexual turd knocker hold slavery over your head and the next thing you know you'll be blamed for the Crusades.

Now science is saying there wasn't a Big Bang.  I'm getting freaking tired of flushing all of this crap out of my brain.  Since Jeb Bush supports Common Core, I may vote for him.  Common Core will insure children will reach adulthood with nothing to flush from their brains.

It would cost a trifling amount to harden America's electrical grid in defense of an EMP nuclear attack, but I guess the death of half or more of America's population isn't an existential threat.  It would actually lessen the real threat to America:  Climate change.

Did You Know

THAT Condoleeza Rice and Susan Rice were conjoined twins?  When the doctors separated them, Condoleeza got a complete brain and Susan got a complete ass.

THAT the scaffolding on the Capitol Building is a thunderdome?  Just as soon as two men enter, we'll see a fight to see which one leaves.

THAT Nancy Pelosi and Maxine Waters entered the Capitol Building and a fight almost ensued?

THAT the scaffolding on the Washington Monument was for precisely measuring its length?  So, when the Obama Monument is built, it will be twice as long.  For earthquake protection, it will go limp in utter terror.

THAT it was planned to put scaffolding on the White House to renovate it, but it was postponed until after Obama finishes trashing the place?

THAT John Boehner doesn't cry when he's making love?  His wife does.

THAT Harry Reid is having eye surgery because he's having difficulty seeing the blooms on his pomegranate trees?  It's a damned lie that he cried on the Senate floor because he missed them one season.

THAT Brian Williams only started telling baldfaced lies after he saw how far it was getting Barack Obama?

THAT Brian Williams may lose his job, but Barack Obama will never lose his?  God doesn't love me enough.

What's in a Name

It's appropriate that Barack Obama's initials are B.O.  He stinks to high Heaven, a place he'll never see.   It would also be appropriate for his middle name to be Odious because he is a repugnant bastard who scares me to death.  BOO!

How to Improve the State of the Union

1.  Convert Obama to Catholicism.  Then, instead of blowing smoke up your ass, he'll swing it.

2.  Replace Al Sharpton with Bill Cosby as a White House advisor.  That way when Obama screws you at least you'll be asleep.

3.  Give QVC exclusive broadcast rights to the State of the Union.  They're experts at selling wild ass claims.

4.  Let the signer at the Nelsen Mandela funeral do the State of the Union.  Then at least the deaf might "hear" some words of wisdom.

5.  Have Obama speak softly and carry a big stick.  According to Joe Biden, he's already half-way there.

6.  Paint eyes on the eyelids of Biden and Boehner so at least two people look like they're paying attention.

7.  Have Michelle wear a red, white and blue burka designed by Oscar de la Renta.  This will display every characteristic of the Left.  It's as patriotic as they get.  It shows solidarity with Islam.  It shows what the Left really thinks of women.  And it puts a Hispanic to work.

8.  Program Obama's teleprompters with the line from the Al Pacino movie Scarface "Say hello to my little friend!" and see how many congresswomen faint.

Get in on the Ground Floor

The third time's the charm.  You missed your opportunity to buy prime real estate on the moon.  LunarLand.com has already sold 300 million acres.  If you haven't acted by now, you also missed out having one of the better stars named after you or a loved one from Nameastarlive.com.  Today, you would probably have to go outside the Milky Way galaxy to find an unnamed super nova, but you can still name a red dwarf in our galaxy.  A red dwarf would make a perfect Christmas gift for Bob Beckel or Ed Shultz.  You see that puny, insignificant "red" speck on the highest magnification?  That's Bob Beckel!  I'm tempted to buy and name the black hole at the center of our galaxy after Barack Obama.  He certainly believes he's the center of the galaxy.

Here is your third celestial opportunity, and I want you to give a lot of thought to investing in my out-of-this-world idea.  Make a New Year's resolution to become rich.

Do you know just 40 million miles from your recliner and ottoman are trillions upon trillions of pet rocks without a home?  That's right in your back yard compared to a star.  That's right!  Trillions of poor little rocks without a home or name.  And do you remember all those idiots - I mean consumers - that purchased pet rocks that took up space on someone's office desk?  What would you say if I told you that I had a gift idea that didn't take up any desk space and could be mailed with a birthday card or Christmas card?

I'll stop asking you questions because I know you're chomping at the bit to find out where all these homeless rocks are.  Well, they're on that ruddy red planet we call Mars.  Tons, and tons, and tons of rocks just sitting there waiting to be adopted.  Now, I know you want to ask me how there's money to be made in MarzPetz.com.

First thing I would say to you is that NASA is doing all the work and is financing our venture for us.  Being a predictably wasteful government agency, NASA has been sending probes to Mars for years now, with wheels and calling them rovers.  They roam from hither to way out yonder and the only way you know they've moved is to look at their tracks. These rovers have proven, with absolutely no doubt, that Mars has to be the most boring celestial body in the universe - outside of Michelle Obama.  Just mile, after mile, after mile of our soon-to-be pet rocks.  I know you've asked yourself a million times why God put such a butt-ugly planet next to us.  I sometimes wonder if God ran out of ideas after creating Earth, or maybe He thought there was nowhere to go but down after creating Woman and decided to coast the rest of the way.  Any who, NASA probably has millions of pictures of our pet rocks ready for us to catalog and sell.  While NASA is wasting its time and budget looking for past and present life on Mars, we'll be having the time of our lives selling Martian pet rocks for $9.99, which by the way are as alive as anything on this humdrum planet.  Mars is so boring that we have to make up things we see there:  A "human shape" in the distance or Barack Obama's head (I'm glad it's somewhere).  

BE THE FIRST TO ADOPT A MARTIAN PET "LIZARD"!

OR BUY OBAMA'S HEAD.  HE'S NOT USING IT.

 

 

 

What is Really Torture?

1.  Being a woman and accepting a cappuccino from Bill Cosby.  It's the exact opposite of sleep deprivation and a grotesque form of rectal rehydration.

2.  Having to stay married to Hillary Clinton in order to have another shot at the White House.  They say once you've done it on the Resolute desk it's not the same anywhere else.

3.  Being a woman and having a blind date with someone having the initials B.C.

4.  Seeing what you have after politicians blow $18 trillion.

5.  Having to choose between Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton.

6.  If 5 doesn't break you, then 6 is having to see 3 female Democrats run for president:  Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, and Bill de Blasio.  de Blasio has a sex change operation and changes his name, for the third time, to Sandy Nista.

7.  Being on a Target store aisle and trying to get around Michelle Obama.  To get around her big ass, you ask her politely to grab something off the shelf for you.  You later find out she tells People magazine that is her worst experience with racism in her life.

8.  If 7 doesn't break you for being called a racist, then 8 is finding a set of car keys and handing them to a black man who comes out of a restaurant looking completely lost.  You later find out that black man was Barack Obama - who is always completely lost - and he has told People magazine that his worst experience with racism is coming out of a restaurant that has valet parking and being handed a set of keys.

9.  The worst torture is living in a world where the pettiest, most disingenuous, most self-absorbed couple in the world are living in the lap of luxury and coddled 24/7 on your dime.

Four Dead in Ohio

I hadn't seen a mugging this brutal since a poor, over-weight man was swarmed by cops in New York City for just selling loosies.  Being a black man, he should have never seen this coming.  Barack Obama and Al Sharpton want cops to treat all people of color with kid gloves, even when they're using fake identities and killing pedestrians.  On the other hand, TCU should have seen this coming - in this world.  After all, their middle name is Christian.

 

TCU, Texas Christian University, dropped from the number 3 ranking to the number 6 ranking in the final college football playoff standings.  This drop in the rankings occurred the day after TCU had gashed Iowa State 55 to 3.  What was TCU supposed to do to retain its ranking and a spot in the four-team playoff?  Send the Iowa State players to the morgue?

The playoff selection committee, on Sunday, proved that their process for choosing the best college football teams is both arbitrary and without merit.  TCU should have never been ranked higher than Florida State.  Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing is pretty much true as long as you're not trying to send your competitors to the hospital, and no one has done winning better than Florida State this season.  But the committee did put TCU above Florida State, and then put Florida State above TCU!

This new 4 team playoff system is worse than what college football had.  It's much harder for a team to claim to be one of the two best teams in the nation than to claim to be one of the four best.  Outside of Alabama, Oregon, and Florida State, I don't believe there's much merit for any team to claim to be one of the best two.

Why did the selection committee elevate Ohio State into the playoffs?  Ohio State's 59 to zip trouncing of Wisconsin wasn't so much a sign of Ohio State's strength as it is a sign of the Big 10's weakness.  For a Big 10 division champion to have its ass handed to it in such a lopsided fashion in the Big 10 championship game doesn't say as much about Ohio State as it says about Wisconsin.  The hype associated with Ohio State football is as much deserved as the hype about Urban Meyer being sick.  Both were and are myths.  Meyer was only sick of being in Florida.

Hopefully, the hype about the greatness of Ohio State football will once again be bludgeoned by reality when OU faces another SEC team.  So far, TCU and Baylor's football dreams died in Ohio.  Here's hoping that Ohio State's and Urban Meyer's do as well.

Wee the People

It was stagecraft.  There was Barack Obama looking you straight in the eye, in long-sleeve shirt and tie, and sitting on the Resolute desk (hiding his shoe marks).  He appeared ready for work.  His handlers probably wanted his shirt sleeves rolled up, but Vladimir Putin has copyrighted showing that much skin.  The scene was too workmanlike and, therefore, too un-Obama-like.  Michelle should have been standing next to him in a black gown with a pyramid of three champagne glasses balanced on her butt.  Just to show Kim Kardashian that two can play that game.  And only two.

I don't have the foggiest idea what Obama said except I do know what he was saying.  He was saying tomorrow night at 8 PM we officially become a banana republic.  Dictatorship through executive fiat takes precedence over the US constitution.

Obama didn't hear the one-third of the electorate that voted November 4th, but he claims he heard the two-thirds that didn't vote.  Obama can hear college students crying about rising sea levels as the snows threaten to cover their chinny chin chins.  He can hear his daughters and change his mind about gay marriage.  But he didn't hear or feel the earthquake that swallowed some of his Democrat sycophants.  How did his daughters get through to him?  Kick him in the nuts?  Put his putter in the freezer?

Some moron once said "Life is like a box of chocolates", and it wasn't Forrest Gump.  It was Tom Hanks who gave Al Franken the maximum legal contribution in Franken's first senatorial run, even though Franken was running in Minnesota and Hanks probably couldn't find Minnesota on a map.  Hanks finds it OK to mess in other states' politics while ridiculing his own state's voters exercising their right to vote.

America is like a box of chocolate-covered cherries.  Progressives, like Obama, have finally licked off all the chocolate and all that's left is a bunch of goo and hollowed-out cherries, and the only pit in sight is the one to Hell.

Metaphorically Speaking

OBAMA SEES HIMSELF AS ATLAS CARRYING THE WORLD ON HIS SHOULDERS, BUT HE'S MORE LIKE AN INSECT MAKING A BALL OF SHIT.

Questions About Ferguson

QUESTION:  How do you stop an angry mob of lawless rioters?

ANSWER:  You call for a special election and the Democratic Party will bus them, in orderly fashion, to the polls.

QUESTION:  How do you tell the difference between the dance moves in a  Beyonce concert and the moves of street thugs falling over themselves as they scramble through broken store windows?

ANSWER:  Beyonce's parts jiggle more.

QUESTION:  Is it just a conspiracy theory that Barack Obama had Michael Brown killed to get Fox News obsessed with Ferguson and off the White House scandals?

ANSWER:  No, it's not just a conspiracy theory, it's my conspiracy theory and I'm sticking to it until I come up with one that doesn't involve eliminating a Democrat voter.

QUESTION:  Is there any truth to the rumor that the NFL wants the town of Ferguson to perform and sing the Mylie Cyrus song Wrecking Ball at this winter's Super Bowl?

ANSWER:  None whatsoever.  Ferguson refused to pay to perform.

QUESTION:  What's the difference between the Pied Piper and Eric Holder?

ANSWER:  The Pied Piper was a white man who could charm rats and Eric Holder is a rat who doesn't find anything charming about white men, or white women for that matter.

Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Mars,

Democrats Are From Alpha Centauri

In the great western, The Big Country, Chuck Connors tells his father, Burl Ives, that the school teacher, Jean Simmons, is sweet on him.  ( In today's terminology, that means they were being heterosexual deviants.)  Ives kidnaps Simmons hoping to get her ranch The Big Muddy, the only reliable source of water for Ives' cattle.  (In today's regulatory world, this makes absolutely no sense since the Big Muddy is obviously some kind of waterway and the EPA would put the screws to anyone trying to use it for profit.)  When Ives proposes a marriage between Connors and Simmons (more heterosexual perversion), the reaction from Simmons says it all:  Chuck Connors had told his father a bald-faced lie.  Ives looks at his son and says, "If you ain't the mother and father of all liars!"

If Connors was the mother and father of all liars for telling one whopper of a lie, then what is Barack Obama?

The Octomom and Octodad of All Liars?  Prodigious progeny all on the government teat.

The McDonald's of Liars?  Over One Billion Served

The Hamas Charter of Liars?  ...and the rocks and trees will cry out, "Oh Muslim, there is a Jew hiding behind me, come and kill him!"

The Hydra of All Liars?  Cut off one lying asshole head and two take its place.

The Black Hole of Liars?  Lies that cross its event horizon into the visible universe are never observed by the MSM.

Impeach, Court-martial, Execute

John Fitzgerald Kennedy's presidency was called Camelot.  Barack Hussein Obama's presidency should be called Sodom and Gomorrah, and not because the dark stain on America has a Middle Eastern name, although that is as good a place to start as any.

Barack Obama's presidency has been one of sin at a magnitude never before witnessed in American history.  Sloth has become an encouraged lifestyle and Obama has placed welcome mats on the border to sustain the lifestyle.  Obama has enough gray matter to know that someone has to do some work so he has re-instituted indentured servitude in America.  Under Obama, illegal immigrants are being given quasi-legal status that leads to them being abused in the marketplace and in their housing.  Unscrupulous slum lords, like once slum queen Valerie Jarrett, take advantage of the immigrants by renting them substandard quarters and shoehorning them in.

Obama likens himself a pacifist but he started WWI and he and the Democrats have started WWII, the second War on Women, heading into the 2014 midterms.  The women Obama defends want the Catholic Church to keep its rosaries off their ovaries*, but they will sell their votes like cheap whores for free contraception and broken promises of pay equality.  One of the first acts of president Obama was to protect the "reproductive health" of foreigners by cancelling George W. Bush's executive order of denying taxpayer funds to overseas groups that supported abortion. Right off the bat Obama showed he cared more about non-Americans than he did Americans.  To win an election, Obama would enthusiastically support third trimester abortions, sex-selection abortions, and partial-birth abortions.  None of these types of abortions is as heinous as Obama's past support for denying medical assistance to babies surviving botched abortions in Illinois.  One of the people Obama is likely to pardon before the end of his second term is mass murderer Kermit Gosnell, because - for progressives - the extermination of preemies isn't really murder.  

Obama's violations of his oath of office are only few in number when compared to his golf rounds and his lying.  It must have been Karma for Chief Justice Roberts to have error-ed in the first swearing in of Obama.  The Chief Justice swore Obama in again later to confirm that the oath was accomplished.  Roberts was wasting his time the first and second times.  Obama doesn't defend the Constitution, he wipes his ass with it in the toilet.  He and Eric Holder don't have enough time to enforce federal laws because they're too busy breaking them.  Not only should Obama be impeached for his felonious acts, but he should be court-martialed for abandoning his post as commander-in-chief.  Obama abandoned his post on the night the Benghazi consulate was attacked.  Was he in bed, resting for a fund-raising trip the next day?  In her book Hard Choices,  Hillary Clinton claims that Obama ordered the military to do everything possible to save Americans in Libya that night.  To believe that, one must also believe the military disobeyed a direct order from the POTUS.  The military STOOD DOWN that night.  The American military was missing-in-action during the death of ambassador Stephens because the president of the United States had deserted his post.  Soon, Obama is going to Texas for another of his innumerable fundraisers and he is not going to the Southern border.  Once more, he is abandoning his post.

If and until Barack Hussein Obama is court-martialed for offenses committed as commander-in-chief, Bowe Bergdahl should not be charged with a crime under the UCMJ.

God turned Lot's wife into a pillar of salt just for looking back at Sodom and Gomorrah.  God should have far worse in store for Obama for creating a Sodom and Gomorrah.  But I for one will not be satisfied if Obama escapes justice on earth.  I want him to suffer for his sins now.  He should be impeached.  He should be tried under the Uniform Code of Military Justice, and if found guilty, he should be punished to the maximum extent possible for a commander who abandons his post when his "soldiers" are under enemy fire.

* The slogan "keep your rosaries off our ovaries" was on a sign being carried by a little girl in a protest against the Supreme Court's Hobby Lobby decision.