The third time's the charm. You missed your opportunity to buy prime real estate on the moon. LunarLand.com has already sold 300 million acres. If you haven't acted by now, you also missed out having one of the better stars named after you or a loved one from Nameastarlive.com. Today, you would probably have to go outside the Milky Way galaxy to find an unnamed super nova, but you can still name a red dwarf in our galaxy. A red dwarf would make a perfect Christmas gift for Bob Beckel or Ed Shultz. You see that puny, insignificant "red" speck on the highest magnification? That's Bob Beckel! I'm tempted to buy and name the black hole at the center of our galaxy after Barack Obama. He certainly believes he's the center of the galaxy.
Here is your third celestial opportunity, and I want you to give a lot of thought to investing in my out-of-this-world idea. Make a New Year's resolution to become rich.
Do you know just 40 million miles from your recliner and ottoman are trillions upon trillions of pet rocks without a home? That's right in your back yard compared to a star. That's right! Trillions of poor little rocks without a home or name. And do you remember all those idiots - I mean consumers - that purchased pet rocks that took up space on someone's office desk? What would you say if I told you that I had a gift idea that didn't take up any desk space and could be mailed with a birthday card or Christmas card?
I'll stop asking you questions because I know you're chomping at the bit to find out where all these homeless rocks are. Well, they're on that ruddy red planet we call Mars. Tons, and tons, and tons of rocks just sitting there waiting to be adopted. Now, I know you want to ask me how there's money to be made in MarzPetz.com.
First thing I would say to you is that NASA is doing all the work and is financing our venture for us. Being a predictably wasteful government agency, NASA has been sending probes to Mars for years now, with wheels and calling them rovers. They roam from hither to way out yonder and the only way you know they've moved is to look at their tracks. These rovers have proven, with absolutely no doubt, that Mars has to be the most boring celestial body in the universe - outside of Michelle Obama. Just mile, after mile, after mile of our soon-to-be pet rocks. I know you've asked yourself a million times why God put such a butt-ugly planet next to us. I sometimes wonder if God ran out of ideas after creating Earth, or maybe He thought there was nowhere to go but down after creating Woman and decided to coast the rest of the way. Any who, NASA probably has millions of pictures of our pet rocks ready for us to catalog and sell. While NASA is wasting its time and budget looking for past and present life on Mars, we'll be having the time of our lives selling Martian pet rocks for $9.99, which by the way are as alive as anything on this humdrum planet. Mars is so boring that we have to make up things we see there: A "human shape" in the distance or Barack Obama's head (I'm glad it's somewhere).
BE THE FIRST TO ADOPT A MARTIAN PET "LIZARD"!
OR BUY OBAMA'S HEAD. HE'S NOT USING IT.
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