What is Really Torture?

1.  Being a woman and accepting a cappuccino from Bill Cosby.  It's the exact opposite of sleep deprivation and a grotesque form of rectal rehydration.

2.  Having to stay married to Hillary Clinton in order to have another shot at the White House.  They say once you've done it on the Resolute desk it's not the same anywhere else.

3.  Being a woman and having a blind date with someone having the initials B.C.

4.  Seeing what you have after politicians blow $18 trillion.

5.  Having to choose between Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton.

6.  If 5 doesn't break you, then 6 is having to see 3 female Democrats run for president:  Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, and Bill de Blasio.  de Blasio has a sex change operation and changes his name, for the third time, to Sandy Nista.

7.  Being on a Target store aisle and trying to get around Michelle Obama.  To get around her big ass, you ask her politely to grab something off the shelf for you.  You later find out she tells People magazine that is her worst experience with racism in her life.

8.  If 7 doesn't break you for being called a racist, then 8 is finding a set of car keys and handing them to a black man who comes out of a restaurant looking completely lost.  You later find out that black man was Barack Obama - who is always completely lost - and he has told People magazine that his worst experience with racism is coming out of a restaurant that has valet parking and being handed a set of keys.

9.  The worst torture is living in a world where the pettiest, most disingenuous, most self-absorbed couple in the world are living in the lap of luxury and coddled 24/7 on your dime.