The Greatest Motivational Speaker in History

INDIAN GURU UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR PERSUADING 400 MEN TO CHOP OFF THEIR TESTICLES

Maybe he could talk Obama into growing a pair.

W's Stepsister Found Dead

Wheel of Misfortunes

Patsy Say-Jack:  We're looking for a phrase of undeniable truth.

_ _ _    _ _ _ _    _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _     _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _     _ _    _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Contestant 1:  Are there any "T"s?

Patsy:  Lots of "T"s.

T _ _     _ _ _ T     T _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ T     _ _ _ _ _ _ _  T _ _ T  _ _ _    _ _     _ _ _ T_ _ _

Contestant 1:  Are there any "H"s?

Patsy:  There are 2 "H"s.

T H _     _ _ _ T     T _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ T     _ _ _ _ _ _ _T _ _ T  _ _ _    _ _     H _ _ T_ _ _

Contestant 1:  Any "M"s?

Patsy:  There are 2 "M"s.

T H _    M_ _ _ T     T _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ T     _ _ M _ _ _  _ T _ _ T  _ _ _    _ _     H _ _ T_ _ _

Contestant 1:  I'd like to buy a vowel?  Are there any "O"s?

Patsy:  Show the "O"s.

T H _    MO _ T     T _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ T     _ _ M _ _ _ _ T _ _ T _ O _     _ _     H _ _ TO _ _

Patsy:  Can you solve the puzzle?

Contestant 1:  Not yet.  Are there any "R"s?

Patsy:  There are some "R"s.

T H _    MO _ T     TR _ _ _ _ _ R _ _ T     _ _ M _ _ _ _ T R _ T _ O _     _ _     H _ _ TOR _

Contestant 1:  What about "S"?

Patsy:  There are some "S"s.

T H _    MOST     TR _ _ S _ _ R _ _ T     _ _ M _ _ _ S T R _ T _ O _     _ _     H _ STOR _

Contestant 1:  I'd like to buy an "A".

TH _    MOST     TRA _ S _ AR _ _ T     A _ M _ _ _S T R A T _ O _     _ _     H _ STOR _

Patsy:  Can you solve the puzzle?

Contestant 1:  No.  Are there any "N"s?

Patsy:  Let's see the "N"s.

TH _    MOST     TRANS _ AR _ NT     A _ M _ N _S T R A T _ ON    _ N     H _ STOR _

Patsy:  Can you solve the puzzle?

Contestant 1:  I can't make sense of it so far.  Are there any "D"s?

Patsy:  There is 1 "D".

TH _    MOST     TRANS _ AR _ NT     A D M _ NS T R A T _ ON    _ N     H _ STOR _

Contestant 1:  I'd like to buy an "I" please.

TH _    MOST     TRANS _ AR _ NT     ADMINISTRATION   IN     HISTOR _

Patsy:  Can you solve the puzzle?

Contestant 1:  I still don't see a phrase having undeniable truth.  Can I have a "P"?

TH _    MOST     TRANSPAR _ NT     ADMINISTRATION   IN     HISTOR _

The moral of this story is don't let a patsy for an administration of baldfaced liars mislead you into missing out on some of life's rewards.

Tear Jerk(er)

 

Obama pretends to cry after Sandy Hook school murders.

Tears flowed at ceremony honoring Eric Holder's service as AG.

Speaking after the deaths of 26 people at Sandy Hook elementary school that included 20 children, Obama gave the appearance that he was holding back tears.  Try as he might, including forcefully pulling on his right eyelids with the forefinger of his left hand, there wasn't the first tear or moisture seen on his face.  This contrasted to the free flow of tears from Obama at the Eric Holder ceremony in which he made no effort at all to hide his tears.  He only dabbed them from flowing down his face.

The last time Obama showed such emotion was at the DNC convention, when before speaking to the useful idiots, he seemed to want consoling from Michelle.  He acted as if he thought he was going to lose the election.

Barack Obama is a caricature of a human being, and especially of a man.  I believe he lacks empathy.  Perhaps the area of the brain that gives a person the ability to walk in another's shoes and feel love and compassion for another human being is particularly susceptible to the damaging effects of marijuana on brain tissues.  If so, then a society that already emphasizes self-indulgence  over self-sacrifice is only going to get worse.  After banning bullets, Obama may ban federal marijuana laws.  Of course he'll only say that the Justice Department is using prosecutorial discretion.

If we don't experience a catastrophe such as a world war in the next two years, then I for one will see that as circumstantial evidence that there is a God watching over us.  We surely aren't watching over ourselves.

   

How Do You Spell Relief?

Indian officials are spelling relief R-E-L-E-A-F, as in "Please little Obama tree, releaf!"

Obama planted a Ficus religiosa tree a couple of weeks ago in New Delhi that was healthy and leafy.  Now, the tree is leafless and looks dead.  I guess the little religiosa tree was Christian.

Some six-plus years ago a majority of voters planted a Fucus tree in America.  Unfortunately, that tree didn't immediately die.  It took root and grew vigorously, and is now threatening to block the sun from ever shining on America again.   There ain't no killing it for at least another two years, and by that time it may be too late.  Iran, Putin, China, ISIS, Mexican cartels and crazy little Kim will be using the next two years to insure America never recovers, and they should succeed.  After all, they're playing chess against an imbecile who telegraphs his moves.  When he does move.

 

 

 

From a Distance

There is Harmony, and It Echoes Through the Land

As much as I complain about Washington DC, I should count my blessings I don't live in a country with a criminal government that steals from its citizens and robs them of their livelihoods with complete impunity.  Take for example, Ukraine.  Thuggish government bureaucrats in that country took close to a million dollars from a businessman's bank account because they accused him - without a sliver of evidence - of providing aid to the pro-Russian separatists.  The businessman spent over $100,000 in attorney fees and court costs to prove his innocence of any crime, and even though the government agreed he was innocent, they still kept over $300,000 of the businessman's money.

If Ukraine treats its own citizens this way, I sure won't visit the country.  How does it treat foreigners?

If the above story is true, you shouldn't vacation in Ukraine.  But, I made the whole thing up.  I'm celebrating Brian Williams Day.  This three day weekend I'll be celebrating Barack Obama Day, Hillary Clinton Day, and Washington's Birthday.  So, don't believe anything I write until Monday, unless I say I cut down a cherry tree - sweet gum maybe.

If I took the above story and changed the country to the United States, it would be true for the most part.  The thuggish, lawless IRS took the bank proceeds from a small business owned by an Iraq War veteran, proceeds in excess of $900,000.  The reason the IRS took the money was because bank deposits were made in amounts under $10,000.  Chop the veteran's head off! 

The businessman has spent over $100,000 to recover his money and even though the IRS knows he is guilty of no crime they insist on keeping over $300,000.

In America it's better to be a foreigner than a citizen.

In the Bette Midler song From a Distance, God is watching us from so far away that everything looks peachy.  All I have to say is He's probably doubled His distance since Obama took office.

Climate Forecast: It Won't Rain Men

NOAA says it is changing temperature readings from decades past for homogeneity.  You see there!  You let homos change the definition of marriage and they think now they can change anything.

Obama could have justified the release of 5 GITMO terrorists for Bowe Bergdahl - who served with honor and distinction -  by explaining that they aren't as dangerous as Kanye West.

Did Bruce Jenner commit vehicular homicide so that he could get a sex change operation at the state's expense?

You let some metrosexual turd knocker hold slavery over your head and the next thing you know you'll be blamed for the Crusades.

Now science is saying there wasn't a Big Bang.  I'm getting freaking tired of flushing all of this crap out of my brain.  Since Jeb Bush supports Common Core, I may vote for him.  Common Core will insure children will reach adulthood with nothing to flush from their brains.

It would cost a trifling amount to harden America's electrical grid in defense of an EMP nuclear attack, but I guess the death of half or more of America's population isn't an existential threat.  It would actually lessen the real threat to America:  Climate change.

Did You Know

THAT Condoleeza Rice and Susan Rice were conjoined twins?  When the doctors separated them, Condoleeza got a complete brain and Susan got a complete ass.

THAT the scaffolding on the Capitol Building is a thunderdome?  Just as soon as two men enter, we'll see a fight to see which one leaves.

THAT Nancy Pelosi and Maxine Waters entered the Capitol Building and a fight almost ensued?

THAT the scaffolding on the Washington Monument was for precisely measuring its length?  So, when the Obama Monument is built, it will be twice as long.  For earthquake protection, it will go limp in utter terror.

THAT it was planned to put scaffolding on the White House to renovate it, but it was postponed until after Obama finishes trashing the place?

THAT John Boehner doesn't cry when he's making love?  His wife does.

THAT Harry Reid is having eye surgery because he's having difficulty seeing the blooms on his pomegranate trees?  It's a damned lie that he cried on the Senate floor because he missed them one season.

THAT Brian Williams only started telling baldfaced lies after he saw how far it was getting Barack Obama?

THAT Brian Williams may lose his job, but Barack Obama will never lose his?  God doesn't love me enough.

What's in a Name

It's appropriate that Barack Obama's initials are B.O.  He stinks to high Heaven, a place he'll never see.   It would also be appropriate for his middle name to be Odious because he is a repugnant bastard who scares me to death.  BOO!

How to Improve the State of the Union

1.  Convert Obama to Catholicism.  Then, instead of blowing smoke up your ass, he'll swing it.

2.  Replace Al Sharpton with Bill Cosby as a White House advisor.  That way when Obama screws you at least you'll be asleep.

3.  Give QVC exclusive broadcast rights to the State of the Union.  They're experts at selling wild ass claims.

4.  Let the signer at the Nelsen Mandela funeral do the State of the Union.  Then at least the deaf might "hear" some words of wisdom.

5.  Have Obama speak softly and carry a big stick.  According to Joe Biden, he's already half-way there.

6.  Paint eyes on the eyelids of Biden and Boehner so at least two people look like they're paying attention.

7.  Have Michelle wear a red, white and blue burka designed by Oscar de la Renta.  This will display every characteristic of the Left.  It's as patriotic as they get.  It shows solidarity with Islam.  It shows what the Left really thinks of women.  And it puts a Hispanic to work.

8.  Program Obama's teleprompters with the line from the Al Pacino movie Scarface "Say hello to my little friend!" and see how many congresswomen faint.

Get in on the Ground Floor

The third time's the charm.  You missed your opportunity to buy prime real estate on the moon.  LunarLand.com has already sold 300 million acres.  If you haven't acted by now, you also missed out having one of the better stars named after you or a loved one from Nameastarlive.com.  Today, you would probably have to go outside the Milky Way galaxy to find an unnamed super nova, but you can still name a red dwarf in our galaxy.  A red dwarf would make a perfect Christmas gift for Bob Beckel or Ed Shultz.  You see that puny, insignificant "red" speck on the highest magnification?  That's Bob Beckel!  I'm tempted to buy and name the black hole at the center of our galaxy after Barack Obama.  He certainly believes he's the center of the galaxy.

Here is your third celestial opportunity, and I want you to give a lot of thought to investing in my out-of-this-world idea.  Make a New Year's resolution to become rich.

Do you know just 40 million miles from your recliner and ottoman are trillions upon trillions of pet rocks without a home?  That's right in your back yard compared to a star.  That's right!  Trillions of poor little rocks without a home or name.  And do you remember all those idiots - I mean consumers - that purchased pet rocks that took up space on someone's office desk?  What would you say if I told you that I had a gift idea that didn't take up any desk space and could be mailed with a birthday card or Christmas card?

I'll stop asking you questions because I know you're chomping at the bit to find out where all these homeless rocks are.  Well, they're on that ruddy red planet we call Mars.  Tons, and tons, and tons of rocks just sitting there waiting to be adopted.  Now, I know you want to ask me how there's money to be made in MarzPetz.com.

First thing I would say to you is that NASA is doing all the work and is financing our venture for us.  Being a predictably wasteful government agency, NASA has been sending probes to Mars for years now, with wheels and calling them rovers.  They roam from hither to way out yonder and the only way you know they've moved is to look at their tracks. These rovers have proven, with absolutely no doubt, that Mars has to be the most boring celestial body in the universe - outside of Michelle Obama.  Just mile, after mile, after mile of our soon-to-be pet rocks.  I know you've asked yourself a million times why God put such a butt-ugly planet next to us.  I sometimes wonder if God ran out of ideas after creating Earth, or maybe He thought there was nowhere to go but down after creating Woman and decided to coast the rest of the way.  Any who, NASA probably has millions of pictures of our pet rocks ready for us to catalog and sell.  While NASA is wasting its time and budget looking for past and present life on Mars, we'll be having the time of our lives selling Martian pet rocks for $9.99, which by the way are as alive as anything on this humdrum planet.  Mars is so boring that we have to make up things we see there:  A "human shape" in the distance or Barack Obama's head (I'm glad it's somewhere).  

BE THE FIRST TO ADOPT A MARTIAN PET "LIZARD"!

OR BUY OBAMA'S HEAD.  HE'S NOT USING IT.

 

 

 

What is Really Torture?

1.  Being a woman and accepting a cappuccino from Bill Cosby.  It's the exact opposite of sleep deprivation and a grotesque form of rectal rehydration.

2.  Having to stay married to Hillary Clinton in order to have another shot at the White House.  They say once you've done it on the Resolute desk it's not the same anywhere else.

3.  Being a woman and having a blind date with someone having the initials B.C.

4.  Seeing what you have after politicians blow $18 trillion.

5.  Having to choose between Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton.

6.  If 5 doesn't break you, then 6 is having to see 3 female Democrats run for president:  Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, and Bill de Blasio.  de Blasio has a sex change operation and changes his name, for the third time, to Sandy Nista.

7.  Being on a Target store aisle and trying to get around Michelle Obama.  To get around her big ass, you ask her politely to grab something off the shelf for you.  You later find out she tells People magazine that is her worst experience with racism in her life.

8.  If 7 doesn't break you for being called a racist, then 8 is finding a set of car keys and handing them to a black man who comes out of a restaurant looking completely lost.  You later find out that black man was Barack Obama - who is always completely lost - and he has told People magazine that his worst experience with racism is coming out of a restaurant that has valet parking and being handed a set of keys.

9.  The worst torture is living in a world where the pettiest, most disingenuous, most self-absorbed couple in the world are living in the lap of luxury and coddled 24/7 on your dime.