The Bittersweet Tail

STARRING



Once upon a time lived a candy ass president who didn't quite have a Midas touch.  Everything he touched turned to shit.  So, it might be said, "He had a toilet bowl touch."  Some claimed he led from behind, but actually, he led with his behind, which made his toilet bowl touch that much more devastating.

Candy Ass slowly turned the greatest republic in history into a banana republic, and like the Cavendish banana that fed the world and was going extinct, the republic stopped caring about feeding the world with staples and ideas of freedom and liberty, and was content with going extinct as long as it was relaxing.  Candy Ass didn't lead by law, he ruled by whim.

 

If the republic had cared about saving itself, it could have done so.  Even though Candy Crowley, as a debate moderator, was a cheerleader for Candy Ass and lied to the television audience to support him in a debate during Candy Ass's second presidential campaign, and even though most of the media supported Candy Ass, the republic knew - it was impossible not to know - that Candy Ass had a toilet bowl touch.

Candy Ass selected people with equal abilities to his to run his administration.  Therefore, they had no leadership abilities.  The head of the Justice Department looked like a whiskerless sewer rat, except that a sewer rat has beautiful, bright brown eyes that give it an endearing look.  Eric Holder looked like a whiskerless sewer rat with cataracts.  He called Americans a bunch of cowards, and Americans didn't mind.  They found it liberating and quite relaxing.

When Candy Ass went overseas, he was equally adept at making crap.  He once took a trip to Asia and met with the Eye Candy of Thailand.  He flirted with Eye Candy.  Oh, how he flirted!  Then, he went home to his wife, and probably got some crap beat out of him.  Eye Candy was overthrown by a military coup and placed under house arrest.  Defenders of Candy Ass will say forever that he had nothing to do with this.  But he went to Thailand, flirted with Eye Candy, and then she was overthrown.  That is pretty damning.  Just as damning as Man emits carbon dioxide, carbon dioxide is a greenhouse gas, therefore Man is causing runaway climate change.

 

Candy Ass is going back overseas and meeting the Candy Magnate of Ukraine.  As sure as the seas rise, Candy Magnate will be deposed by Vladamir Putin in the near future.  Candy Ass's toilet bowl touch is an unstoppable force.

 

Candy Ass is a bittersweet tail.  Half the world finds him bitter, and half the world finds him sweet.  Only a battle between Heaven and Hell will resolve who is right.