If Ben Carson Doesn't Run,

I'm Announcing My Candidacy For President of the United States

The platform I will run on will be composed of:

1.  Having George Bush Sr. jump out of an aircraft without a parachute for his ceasing of hostilities during Operation Desert Storm at just the time the American military was in position to destroy Saddam Hussein's Republican Guard.  This decision by Bush Sr. and allowing the Hussein regime to use helicopters to destroy Hussein's enemies following Operation Desert Storm changed history for the FAR WORSE.

2.  A presidential pardon of George Bush Sr. for his heroism in WWII.

3.  Having George W. Bush paint murals in Leavenworth for the remainder of his life for creating the FAR WORSE.  After 9/11, instead of going into Afghanistan and kicking Al Qaeda and the Taliban to hell and back, George W. elected to play it safe.  This resulted in bin Laden and Al Qaeda escaping from Tora Bora and moving to the safe haven of Pakistan.  Instead of a quick and decisive annihilation of Al Qaeda and the Taliban, Bush invaded Iraq and removed Saddam Hussein in a matter of weeks.  Having won the war, he proceeded to lose the peace by not including Iraqis in a new government, but setting up an American-managed, American military-backed caretaker government that resulted in the Iraqi people seeing the Americans as conquerors and not liberators.  The FAR WORSE of George W. Bush included establishing an environment that brought to power a candy ass, totally inept Marxist.

4.  No pardon for George W.

5.  Removal of Secret Service protection for Barack Hussein Obama and establishing a national lottery to see how long this MF lives.

6.  Fixing America's southern border by moving it to the Panama Canal.  Since Mexicans are so anxious to come to America, I'll bring America to them.

7.  Change the country's motto from IN GOD WE TRUST to WE LEAVE NO ONE BEHIND.  Progressives don't like the current motto, so in reaching across the aisle I want to give everyone a motto they can agree on, and progressives seem happy with WE LEAVE NO ONE BEHIND.  To live by our new motto, abortions will be outlawed so that unborn children are not left behind, turning corn into ethanol will be outlawed so the Hungry are not left behind, and DDT will be legal so children dying from malaria won't be left behind.  By living our new motto, we might find that God has some trust in us.

8.  The moment Iran builds a nuclear weapon, I will order a nuclear electromagnetic pulse (EMP) attack to destroy the country's electrical grid and their ability to make war.  To prevent any caualties, I will order the American military to mobilize to its fullest to provide food and potable water to Iran's people.  The EMP strike on North Korea happens the instant after my oath of office.

9.  I will super-glue a shirt on Vladimir Putin and super-glue Miley Cyrus into a burqa.

10.  After having enacted my platform in my first 90 days, I will resign and hand over the office of President of the United States to the honorable Mitt Romney, because in a fair and just world, he would be the actual president of the United States.