"Thank you for starting your morning with the BBC. Grab a cup of coffee and prepare your brain
to doublethink!"
"Our lead story this morning is: Thanks to the leadership of our illustrious
Secretary of State, there wasn't one incidence of terrorism overnight to
report. John Kerry's tenure at State has
been so remarkable, especially his negotiations with Iran to end that regime's
lawlessness, that president Obama laughingly suggested the media stop covering
Kerry because he makes the next President of the United States look bad in
comparison."
"In Paris, a man-caused accident was responsible for an
ice cream delivery truck going out of control and killing sixty-two Parisians
celebrating Bastille Day. According to
one eye-witness the driver tried to warn the crowd by yelling out
"Yoohoo!" or something that
sounded like that. Here is sound on tape
of President Francois Hollande's remarks following the accident (cut to video),
"While this was a horrific accident that took so many lives, we must not
forget the greater good that ice cream has on combating global warming. Ice cream deliveries must
continue.""
"The Supreme Court yesterday in a 5-3-1 decision,
having new justice Michael Moore seated, found preborns not to be persons, but
property. According to the decision,
preborns have not moved the necessary 18 inches that would qualify them for
personhood. Michael Moore recused
himself because he couldn't remember the last time he moved 18 inches."
"The Kremlin is reporting that it found a Blackberry
belonging to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton with 55,000 emails. According to a government spokesperson every
email was about either Chelsea's wedding,
Clinton's funeral arrangements for her mother, condolence notes to
friends, yoga routines, or family vacations.
The Kremlin is wondering how Clinton found any time to do Department of
State work."
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